| "Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade." |
| First boy: Are you having a party for your birthday? Second boy: No, I'm having a witch do. First boy: What's a witch do? Second boy: She flies around on a broomstick casting spells. |
| Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday? Because people kept toasting him! |
| "I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'" |
| Why won't anyone eat the dogs birthday cake? Because he always slobbers out the candles! |
| Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday. Betty: That was a kind thought. But why didn't you? Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose. |
| Fred: Have you noticed that your mother smells a bit funny these days? Harry: No. Why? Fred: Well, your sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet water for her birthday. |
| A man who forgets his wife's birthday is certain to get something to remember her by. |
| "Did you go shopping for my birthday present?" "Yeah, and I found the perfect thing." "What thing is that?" "Nothing!" |
| A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!" |
| "My birthday's coming" Do you know what I need?" "Yeah, but how do you wrap a life?" |
| What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course! |
| Man l: "I got my wife a VCP for her birthday" Man 2: "Don't you mean a VCR?" Man 1: "No, a VCP . . . Very Cheap Present!" |
| I forgot my brother's birthday last month. What did he say? Rick: Nothing, yet. |
| Charley wanted to buy Farley a birthday cake, but he couldn't figure out how to get the cake in the typewriter so he could type 'Happy Birthday' |
| Why was the monster standing on his head at the birthday party? He heard they were having upside-down cake! |
| Grandma, is it exciting being 99? It certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead. |
| How old were you on your last birthday? Eight. And how old will you be on your next birthday? Ten. Oh, I don't think that's possible. Oh, yes it is - I'm nine today. |
| Why did you hit your birthday cake with a hammer? Because you said it was pound cake! |
| It was Grandpa Jones' 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health. At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit. He explained "I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. I've been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years." "How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?" we asked. "It's simple" he said. "When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk." |
| Why did the boy put candles on the toilet? He wanted to have a birthday potty! |
| For his birthday the monster asked for a heavy sweater. So they gave him a sumo wrestler! |
| Home - A - Age Jokes "That's an excellent essay for someone your age," said the English teacher. "How about for someone my Mum's age, Miss?" "Welcome to school, Simon," said the nursery school teacher to the new boy. "How old are you?" "I'm not old," said Simon. "I'm nearly new." Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine. "How old are you, ma'am?" asked Fred. "I'm not going to tell you that," she replied. "But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the geography teacher told me how old they were." "Oh well," said Miss Jones. "I'm the same age as both of them." The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote: Miss Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as the Hills. "Now remember, boys and girls," said the science teacher, "you can tell a tree's age by counting the rings in a cross section. One ring for each year." Fred went home for tea and found a chocolate roll on the table. "I'm not eating that, Mum!" she said. "It's five years old." Grandma: You've left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate every one. Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma? Grandma: Yes, I do. Fred: Well, you can have mine. How old is your wife? Approaching forty. From which direction? An eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was correct that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday. `That's right,' said the old man. `Ninety-nine years old, and I haven't an enemy in the world. They're all dead.' `Well, sir,' said the interviewer, `I hope very much to have the honour of interviewing you on your hundredth birthday.' The old man looked at the young man closely, and said, `I can't see why you shouldn't. You look fit and healthy to me!' |
| Will you come to my party on Saturday? Yes, please, What's the address? 25 The High Street. Just push the bell with your elbow. Why with my elbow? Well, you won't be empty-handed, will you! |
| A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?" He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!" |
