| A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines. "Don't know," the woman said. He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U- turn and drove up to them. "This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either." |
| What would you have if your car's motor was in flames? A fire engine. |
| A man was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had anything to say in his defense. "They shouldn't put up such misleading notices," said the man. "It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE." |
| What do you call a group of cars ? A clutch ! |
| What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train! |
| A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. "Didn't you see the arrow, buddy?" he asked. "An arrow?" the confused driver said. "I didn't even see the Indians |
| How did the woman feel when she got run over by a car? Tired. |
| Which snakes are found on cars? Windscreen vipers. |
| Teacher: "Who built the first American car?" Student: "Me Pilgrims." Teacher: "The Pilgrims?" Student: "Yeah, they made the Mayflower Compact." |
| Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. |
| Policeman: I suppose you're going to tell me you weren't speeding. Motorist: I was speeding all right, but I was testing you to see if you were paying attention. |
| What do you call someone who draws funny pictures of motor vehicles ? A car-toonist ! |
| How do you stop a dog howling in the back of a car? Put him in the front. |
| What did the man put on his car when the weather was cold? An extra muffler. |
| Why did the car judder to a stop when it saw a ghost? It had a nervous breakdown. |
| What happens when a frog's car breaks down? It gets toad away.. |
| A motorist ran into a shop. "Do you own a black and white cat?" he asked. "No," replied the manager. "Oh dear," said the motorist, "I must have run over a nun." |
| Who drives away all of his customers? A taxicab driver. |
| A man was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had anything to say in his defense. "They shouldn't put up such misleading notices," said the man. "It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE." |
| Motorist: Does a deer have a horn? Police Officer: No, a deer has two horns. Motorist: Then it must have been a car that ran over my uncle. |
| My dad is stupid. He thinks a fjord is a Norwegian motor car. |
| A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" And the minister says, "Just water." The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?" And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!" |
| A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses." When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation." |
| Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving habits, offers the following advice: The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's exposure. One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers. Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast. |
| "Take the wheel, Harry!" said the nervous lady driver. "There's a tree coming straight for us!" |
