Khmer Magazines 2014



I was so sorry to hear you buried your mother last week. Well, we had to, you know, she was dead.

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A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted "Avalanche!" The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped. The shopkeeper was led out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted "Flood!" and escaped. The teacher was then lead out. The squad took aim and the teacher, remenbering how the other two had escaped, shouted "Fire!"

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A man was sitting in the electric chair. The executioner said, "Look, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to throw the switch in a minute." The man said, "Do me a favor and throw it out the window!"

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What has four legs, a tail, whiskers and flies? A dead cat.

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Waiter, there's a fly in my soup ! Yes, it's the rotting meat that attracts them !

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"Why are you crying Fred?" asked the teacher. " 'Cos my parrot died last night. I washed it in Wisk. . ." "Fred," said the teacher. "You must have known that Wisk's bad for parrots." "Oh it wasn't the Wisk that killed it, sir. It was the tumble drier."

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What did the little kid do with the dead battery? He buried it.

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A monster and a zombie went into a funeral home. 'I'd like to order a coffin for a friend of mine who has just died,' said the monster. 'Certainly ma'am,' said the undertaker, 'but there was really no need to bring her with you.'

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Phoning the florist to order some flowers for her lover's funeral, woman was caught off guard when asked what message she wanted on the card. "Message?" she sputtered. "Well, I guess, 'You will be missed."' Visiting the funeral home, she was pleased that her floral tribute had arrived but mortified that the card had her exact words: "I guess you will be missed."

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There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They put his left leg in.... Well, you know the rest.

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A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country. Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in his country. "There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it!" "Oh, my God!" says his friend. "Surely he must have died!" "Of course. He was without food or water for 3 days!"

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Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what am I going to do with the BODY?"

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What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air and smells? A dead centipede.

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Did you hear about the two men who were cremated at the same time? It was a dead heat.

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If a man was born in England, raised in America and died in Spain, what does that make him? Dead.

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What is the difference between a musician and a dead body? One composes and the other decomposes.

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The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff, "Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree?" "Course not," replied the Sheriff. "We just put the rope round your neck and kick the horse away. After that it's up to you."

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An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said: YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN TUBE!!!

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Why do cemeteries have fences around them? Because people are dying to get in.

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Why do you want to be buried at sea? Because my wife says she wants to dance on my grave.

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Why did the cowboy die with his boots on ? Because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket !

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How do you make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eye

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A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads."

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A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells: "No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"

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Q: What is the definition of Death? A: When you stop paying taxes suddenly.

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