| Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry? A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old enough. If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit. |
| Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs. A: None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold. |
| What's the most famous coffee in Afghanistan? Osama bin Latte |
| There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada. "You know," said one of the explorers, "we should name this place we're hiking through." "I know," said the second explorer. "We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that." "Okay," said the third, "I'll go first. C, eh." "N, eh." "D, eh." And that's how they named Canada... |
| Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street. "Oy, Abraham, I'm sorry to hear about that fire at your warehouse". "Ssh!" hisses the other, "It's not till next week". |
| Two Newfies landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before morning the one yelled, "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here... No! There goes another one!" |
| Q: How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None-there weren't any light bulbs in the 13th century. |
| Q: What's the slowest thing in the world? A: A Mexican funeral with only two sets of jumper cables. |
| Q: Why did the eskimo wash his clothes in Tide? A: Because it was too cold outside. |
| These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?" The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?" The Russian says, "What's meat?" The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?" The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?" |
| Q: How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to replace it and one to tell him it was burned out (in states that still have car-inspection laws.) A: Three. One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough light bulbs until one is found that isn't defective. A: 250,000,000, one to change it and 249,999,999 to debate whether it it was politically correct. |
| Q: Do you know why the new football stadium they built in Warsaw could not be used? A: No matter where you sat you were behind a Pole. |
| Q: How do you take census in a Polish village? A: Roll a quarter down the street, count the legs, divide by two, and subtract one for the Jew who catches it. |
| Q: What's delaying the Polish space program? A: Development of a working match. |
| Q: Why can't Chinese Barbecue? A: Because the rice falls through the grill |
| Q: What do you get when you cross and Chinese and a Mexican man? A: A car thief who can't drive! |
| The only good thing to ever come out of Oklahoma: An empty greyhound. |
| Q: Did you hear about the man who was Polishing the flagpole? A: He varnished into thin air! |
| Q: Why did the Jews wander in the desert for forty years? A: Somebody dropped a shekel. |
| Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years. One was American, One was Russian and the other was English. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each. The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German whilst the Russian decided to take along cigarettes. Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home. First came the American and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms. Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause. Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked "Has anyone got a friggin' match?" |
| What's the national anthem of Puerto Rico? "Attention K-Mart shoppers..." |
| There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in. After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life. 'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.' 'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.' 'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.' |
| Q: How do you sink a Polish ship? A: Put it in water. |
| Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews." "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chin ese Jews." |
| Q: Why do Polish hate Cauchy's dog? (hint on Cauchy-Riemann theorem) A: Because it leaves residues at each Pole. |
