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Aviation jokes

An airplane pilot dies at the controls.

He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the 'newly arrived' area.

There are three doors, marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot
that
he is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil
has to
take care of something first, and disappears.

The
curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going

through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two,

and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve

emergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain
being
waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad
stewardesses.

The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position.

He offers the pilot a choice of door number one or two. The pilot
says,
"I wanted door number three!"
"Sorry," replies the devil,
"that's 'flight attendant's
hell'."

 

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked. "I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied. "I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second. "I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third. "OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"

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Did you hear why they closed the Seattle Kingdom? While the crowd was doing the wave, two blondes drowned.

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Which burgers can tell your fortune? Medium burgers!

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What would you get if you crossed a cow with a rabbit? Hare in your milk!

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What did the werewolf eat after he'd had his teeth taken out? The dentist.

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Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

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How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard? Put him in your back yard.

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What's yellow on the outside and grey on the inside ? An elephant disguised as a banana !

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Camper: There's a leak over my bunk! Counselor: Don't complain. It only leaks when it rains.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Anne ! Anne who ? Anne apple just fell on my head !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Celery ! Celery who ? Celery me you lunch will you, I'm hungry !

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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

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Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door? A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

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Waiter (serving soup): It looks like rain today. Patron: Yes it does, but it smells like soup.

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Is it good to drink witch's brew? Yes, it's very newt tricious!

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There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Kleptomaniac Barbie ...doll with suction cup hands

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Q. Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle after only 6 months? A. Because on the box it said: From 2-4 years.

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Q: What do you call the loser in a hissing, scratching cat fight? - A: Claude

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What is the cat's favourite TV show ? The evening mews !

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A stupid bank robber rushed into a bank, pointed two fingers at the clerk and said, "This is a muck up!" "Don't you mean a stick up?" asked the girl. "No," said the robber, "it's a muckup. I've forgotten my gun."

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