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Aviation jokes

An airplane pilot dies at the controls.

He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the 'newly arrived' area.

There are three doors, marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot
that
he is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil
has to
take care of something first, and disappears.

The
curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going

through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two,

and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve

emergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain
being
waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad
stewardesses.

The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position.

He offers the pilot a choice of door number one or two. The pilot
says,
"I wanted door number three!"
"Sorry," replies the devil,
"that's 'flight attendant's
hell'."

 

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves. A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves. The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then start s walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"

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Two blind man at a cinema: "Can you see something ?" "No". "Then let's go in front !"

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Q: Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it? A: A blonde tried to shoot herself!

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The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem. Those who don't know are also in two groups. One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn! But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!

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What's a moo hoo for the sound you hear when a cow spits? A cud thud!

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Newsflash: Two criminals have escaped from prison today. One is orange and 9ft tall, and the other green and yellow and 2ft Gin tall. The police are searching high and low for them.

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Did you hear about the Jewish doctor who gave a patient six months to live? When the patient couldn't pay, the doctor gave him another six months.

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Knock Knock Who's there ? Chef ! Chef who ? Chef Bridges !

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Where do bees keep their money? In a honey box.

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Q: What's the definition of a nerd? A: Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.

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Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years? A: Even then men wouldn't ask for directions!

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What do you call a snake who works for the governement ? A civil serpent !

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Why do bears have fur coats ? Because they'd look stupid in anoraks !

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Where do you find a down-and-out octopus ? On squid row !

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Q: Why are blondes like corn flakes? A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

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What did the hamburger say when it found out that most people liked hamburgers better than frankfurters? 'Hot dog!'

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Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? Because they have cotton balls.

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An old couple in an old folks home are having an affair, nothing much they just sit watching TV late at night while the old woman holds the old mans dick. Then suddenly the old man ends the affair because of another woman. The old woman's distraught and yells, "WHAT'S THIS OTHER WOMAN GOT THAT I HAVEN'T!" The old man smiles and says, "Parkinson's disease"

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Q: Whatever happened to the bedbugs who fell in love? A: They got married in the spring.

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What's the difference between a sigh, a car and a monkey? A sigh is oh, dear. A car is too dear. A monkey is you, dear.

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