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Baby jokes

My new baby is the image of his father.
Never
mind. just so long as he's healthy.

 

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?? A: Because they can understand them.

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A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger. Next to him stood a lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the smell of the man's supper and began whining and jumping up at him. "Do you mind if I throw him a bit?" said the man to the lady. "Not at all," she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it over a wall.

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What is the best thing to take when you're run over? The number of the car that hit you.

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What does Father Christmas call his money ? Iced lolly ?

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Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child? A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.

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An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples." "I won't be surprised either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree".

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What's a fresh vegetable? One that insults a farmer.

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Q. What did Snow white say when her photos didn't come back from the photo store? A. "Some day my prints will come!"

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Men are like remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.

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How did the world's tallest monster become short overnight? Someone stole all his money.

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What's a rabbits' favorite song? "Hoppy Birthday to You."

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A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+. Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?" The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

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Which hand would you use to pick up a dangerous snake ? Someone else's !

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A guy walked into a bar and said "Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender." But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up. The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay. Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!" The bartender said "Why?" The guy replyed "You're violent when you're drunk!"

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Two Italian construction workers were in the field on an extremely hot day working.. the one says to the other " hey how come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?" pointing to the supervisor. The other says, "I don't know, go ask him." So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey, how come we do all a da work and you get all a da money?" The supervisor says "Intelligence". Guido says "what is this intelligence?" The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita my hand as hard as you can!" Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit the supervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor pulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor says "That's intelligence". Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and his co-worker says "Hey what did he say?" With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on his face and says "hita my hand as hard as you can. . ."

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Why are you laughing? My dentist just pulled one of my teeth out. I don't see much to laugh about in that. But it was the wrong one!

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If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow.

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Q: What's the slowest thing in the world? A: A Mexican funeral with only two sets of jumper cables.

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Camper: There's something wrong with my hot dog. Cook: Don't tell me. I'm not a veterinarian.

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How do we know that insects are so clever ? Because they always know when your eating outside !

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