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Baby jokes

My new baby is the image of his father.
Never
mind. just so long as he's healthy.

 

Why did your sister jump out the window ? Because she wanted to try out her new spring suit

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A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells: "No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"

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Two old men were sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat. "How are you, Richard?" asked George. "I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly exhausted," replied Richard. "I've pulled a muscle, and it's killing me." "I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said George. Richard yawned and said, "Well, it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night."

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Q: Why did the blonde make love in the microwave? A: She wanted to have a baby in 9 minutes.

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Q: Why did the blonde have a hysterectomy? A: She wanted to stop having grandchildren.

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Alsation: Why do you like to go on camping trips? Chihuahua: I like to "ruff it!

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Why did the horseman put a saddle on a large loaf of bread? It was a crusty steed!

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This morning I felt that today was going to be my lucky day. I got up at seven, had seven dollars in my pocket, there were seven of us at lunch and there were seven horses in the seven o'clock race - so I backed the seventh. Did it win? No, it came seventh.

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First Caribou: Which bug does amazing motor cycle stunts? Second Caribou: Evel Boll Weevil.

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A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train. The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from." The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from." Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...

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What do you call a huge, ugly, slobbering, furry monster with cotton wool in his ears? Anything you like ? he can't hear you.

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What's a snakes favourite flower ? Coily-flowers !

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Where do werewolves stay when they're on vacation? At the Howliday Inn!

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What do you get if you cross a zebra with an ape man? Tarzan stripes forever.

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The cannibal priest told his flock to close their eyes and say grace. "For whosoever we are about to eat, may the Lord make us truly thankful."

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"Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor . . ."

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What did one car muffler say to the other car muffler? "Am I exhausted!"

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Why do dinosaurs climb trees? There's nothing else to climb in the jungle.

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There were these three little old ladies sitting on a park bench minding their own business when suddenly a flasher jumped in front of them and exposed himself...the first old lady had a stroke...the second old lady had a stroke...but sadly the third old lady couldn't reach!!!

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Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.

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