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Baby jokes

My new baby is the image of his father.
Never
mind. just so long as he's healthy.

 

A man drinking at the bar for three hours, yells at the bartender for another drink. The bartender walks over and tells the man that he has already had too much to drink. The man looks up from his glass angrily and shouts. "I have been drinking for 36 years and I have no idea when I have had too much ...so how the hell do you know?"

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Why is President Carter important to Hamburger Land in April? One the opening day of the baseball season, he throws out the first meatball!

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Did you hear about the snobby cow? She thought she was a cutlet above the rest!

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What is stronger an elephant or a snail ? A snail, because it carries it's house, an elephant just carries its trunk !

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Q: What do you call Italian women in a sauna? A: Gorillas In The Mist!

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What did the Eskimo children sing when their principal was leaving? Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.

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What equine likes to cut in line? A sawhorse!

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Mother: Fred, why did you put a slug in your grandma's bed? Fred: Because I couldn't find a snake.

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How do you fix a broken website? With stick e-tape.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Alma ! Alma who ? Alma-nack !

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Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor? A: About 10 pounds.

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Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test? A. Drool.

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A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

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What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy? Hoppalong Cassidy.

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"Dad," said Fred to his father, who was a bank robber. "I need $50 for the school trip tomorrow." "OK, son," said his dad, "I'll get you the cash when the bank closes."

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I think I hear burglars, dear. Are you awake? No!

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If a woman is born in Italy, grows up in England, goes to America and dies in Baltimore, what is she? Dead.

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Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams? Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game.

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What's big and grey and wears a mask ? The elephantom of the opera !

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Reports are coming in of an elephant doing a ton in the highway. Police ask motorists to drive carefully and to yield right of way.

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