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Baby jokes

My new baby is the image of his father.
Never
mind. just so long as he's healthy.

 

She's the kind of girl that boys look at twice - they can't believe it the first time.

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Q: How do you recognize a blonde in school? A: They are the only ones who erase their notebook when the teacher erases the board.

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What do sick cannibals have for breakfast? Vitamin bills!

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There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA. Well, here's the answer: It's simple.........nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical. Most of the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

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Where did the dog breeder keep his savings ? In bark-lays bank !

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Where do mermaids go to see movies? ...The dive-in

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What do you call an alien starship that drips water? A crying saucer.

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Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

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What is a flea's favourite book ? The itch-hikers guide to the galaxy !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Anita ! Anita who ? Anita you like I need a hole in the head !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Bud ! Bud who ? Budweiser, the King of Beers !

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Braxton and Hollis had jobs at a California cotton mill. One morning the foreman came along and found Braxton reading a letter to his coworker. "Hey," cried the foreman, "what kind a horseplay you two guys up to?" "Hollis got a letter from his girlfriend," explained Braxton, "but he can't read; so Ah'm readin' the letter for him." "How come you got the cotton in your ears?" "Hollis don't want me to hear what his girlfriend writ to him!"

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Attorney to witness: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?" Witness: "Where am I Cathy?" Attorney: "And why did that upset you?" Witness: "Because my name is Susan."

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What did the magician say when he made his rabbit disappear? Hare today, gone tomorrow.

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A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober. He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!" The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the alcohol away, "That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"

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How do you get a parrot to talk properly ? Send him to polytechnic !

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Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics? A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.

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Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up? A: "Good morning, Bill."

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Why don't Purdue athletes eat pickles? They can't get their heads in the jar.

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Patient:Do you extract teeth painlessly? Dentis: "Not always, the other day I nearly dislocated my wrist

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