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Baby jokes

My new baby is the image of his father.
Never
mind. just so long as he's healthy.

 

What is every blonde's ambition in life? To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

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The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff, "Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree?" "Course not," replied the Sheriff. "We just put the rope round your neck and kick the horse away. After that it's up to you."

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A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success. Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasnt been home for so long. She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week." The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do u mean a week?" "I am only here to get something to eat."

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Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee Buzz off can't you see I'm busy?

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Why does the Philippines ban rectal thermometers? They cause too much brain damage.

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How do you make a bandstand? Take away their chairs

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A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference: "Many say the only reason why you would be elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father." "That notion is ridiculous!" mocked George Jr. "It doesn't matter how powerful the man is. He can only vote once!"

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Do you know the time ? No, we haven't met yet !

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How do vampires keep their breath smelling nice? They use extractor fangs.

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Which flavor ice cream is Dracula's favorite? Vein-illa.

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Two hikers are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second hiker says, "What are you doing?" The first responds, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it." The second says, "Are you crazy? Don't you know you can't outrun a bear? The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you!"

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Are shellfish warm? No they're clammy!

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What will a monster eat in a restaurant? The waiter.

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What do you call a witch with one leg? Eileen.

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yo mama is so stupid when she asked me what kind of jeans am i wearing i said Guess and she said Levis.

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What do you call a bloke with a bus on his head? Dead.

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Biddle and Payne, two elderly English professors, were having lunch in the cafeteria. During the course of the conversation, Biddle said, "A student gave me a peculiar answer in class today. I asked who wrote the Merchant of Venice and a sophomore said, "Please, sir, it wasn't me!" "Ha, ha!" laughed Payne. "And I suppose the little snot had done it all along!"

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A White man explaining to a Mexican man says that there are three words the Mexican needs to know in order to be all right in the city: The White man says these words are: green, pink, and yellow. Then the White man says ''Now tell me a sentence using all three words.'' The Mexican says ''I hear de telephona ah greena greena, I pink up de phona and say ah yellow?"

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Woman in bed: Aaagh! Aaagh! A ghost just floated into my room! Ghost: Don't worry, ma'am, I'm just passing through.

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I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her. It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!

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