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Baby jokes

My new baby is the image of his father.
Never
mind. just so long as he's healthy.

 

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

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Why is an old car like a baby playing? Because it goes with a rattle.

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What animals are poor dancers? Four-legged ones, because they have two left feet.

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A man was sitting in the electric chair. The executioner said, "Look, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to throw the switch in a minute." The man said, "Do me a favor and throw it out the window!"

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My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.

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Three cookies were crossing the road when the first one was knocked down. What did the third cookie say as he reached the pavement in safety? Crumbs!

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Whats the world weakest animal ? A toad, he croaks if you even touch him !

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Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween? Because so many witches are sweeping the sky.

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Knock Knock Who's there ? Closure ! Closure who ? Closure mouth when you eat !

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The major difference between death and taxes is that Congress can't make death any worse than it is.

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What salesman has the slickest line? A hair grease salesman.

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Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour ? Pupil: Because it can't sit down !

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Did you hear about the girl monster who wasn't pretty and wasn't ugly ? She was pretty ugly

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Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN? A: Because she didn't know which one came first!

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Mother: Jared, get your little sister's hat out of that puddle. Jared: I can't mum, she's got it strapped too tight under her chin!

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Cannibal: Mom, mom, I've been eating a missionary and I feel sick ! Mom: Well, you know what they say - you can't keep a good man down !

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Why do elephants live in the jungle? Because it's out of the high rent district.

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Q: How is Christmas celebrated in a Jewish home? A: They put parking meters on the roof!

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Fred wrote in her homework book: Margarine is butter made from imitation cows.

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Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A. He didn't have the guts too

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