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Accountant jokes

An accountant visited the Natural History

museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor:
"This
dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".
"Where did
you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and
the guide told me that the dinosaur is
two billion years old."

 

Carpet Fitting by Walter Wall

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How does Santa Claus take pictures? With his North Pole-aroid.

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What do cows usually fly around in? Helicowpters and Bulloons.

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Q: What do blonde's have against condoms? A: Their cheeks.

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A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open. "You must have made a mistake" says the shocked dentist, "The gynecologist's office is one level higher." To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out."

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Q: What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole? A: A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone

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Ruby Alice walked up to the desk of a Bowling Green motel and signed the register with the letter "O." "Why'd you put that circle down?" asked the clerk. "Cause Ah can't write," replied the girl. "Why don't you sign with an 'X'?" asked the man. "Ah used to," she answered. "But when Ah got me a divorce, Ah took back mah maiden name!"

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Why do you keep going back to that fishing website? I can't help it, I'm hooked.

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Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?" A few minutes later, Timmy returned. "Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?" "She's fine, except that she's angry at you." "At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?" "She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,'" snickered Timmy.

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A small boy was asked by his teacher, "What is the size of the Democratic Party?" "About 5 feet 2 inches," he replied promptly. "NO!" exploded the teacher.. "I mean, how MANY members does it have? How did you get 5 feet 2 inches?" "Well," replied the boy, "my father is 6 feet tall and every night he puts his hands to his chin and says.. "I've had it up to HERE with the Democratic Party!"

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Teacher : The word politics - can you give me an example of how to use it ? Pupil : My parrot swallowed a watch and now Polly ticks !

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Who was that on the phone, Fred? Fred: No one important. Just some man who said it was long distance from Australia, so I told him I knew that already and put the phone down !

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Doctor, doctor, I think I've been bitten by a vampire. Drink this glass of water. Will it make me better? No, but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.

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Why does frost not like to lay out in the sun? -It burns too easily

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Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

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A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? "I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way." "No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time a t all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way." "Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

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She's the kind of girl that boys look at twice - they can't believe it the first time.

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Q: How do you recognize a blonde in school? A: They are the only ones who erase their notebook when the teacher erases the board.

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What do sick cannibals have for breakfast? Vitamin bills!

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There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA. Well, here's the answer: It's simple.........nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical. Most of the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

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