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Accountant jokes

An accountant visited the Natural History

museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor:
"This
dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".
"Where did
you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and
the guide told me that the dinosaur is
two billion years old."

 

Who's aardvark's favorite male singer? Frank Sinostril!

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What medicine would you give an ill ant ? Antibiotics !

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What flies through the jungle singing opera ? The parrots of Penzance !

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Making Snacks by San Widge

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What driver doesn't have a license? A screw driver.

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Q: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? A: He has got no beef.

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Q: What's got four legs and no ears? A: Mike Tyson's dog.

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What weighs 4 tons and is bright red ? An elephant holding its breath !

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You said it was a great horse and it is. It took twenty other horses to beat him!

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Bea ! Bea who ? Beacause I'm worth it !

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What do you call pigs in a demolition derby? Crashing boars.

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A redneck calles up the White House and tells the receptionist: "I'd like to become the next President of the United States." The receptionist: "What are you, an idiot?" Redneck: "Why, is it required?"

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What do you call an easy-going rabbit? Hoppy-go-lucky.

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Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived. One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all. Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. "Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read???" Goldblum shuddered. God went on. "I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word is strong!" Goldblum sighed with relief. "Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?" Bauman hung his head in shame. "Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my peo ple, but I can accept these indiscretions." Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief. Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, "You, Rabinowitz, have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying.... "Closed for the Holiday !!!"

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How can you make a witch itch? Take away her "W."

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Did you find my horse well behaved? Indeed, whenever we came to a fence he let me over first!

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Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.

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A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out. 'What's the matter?' she asked. 'It's my birthday!' he hollered. 'And I had a bicycle and a new tracksuit and this afternoon there's to be a party with crisps and jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards. . .' and he had to stop talking because he was crying so hard. 'But that's lovely,' said the old lady. 'Why are you crying?' 'Because I'm lost!'

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What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade!

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I'm Absolutely Certain by R. U. Sure

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