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Accountant jokes

An accountant visited the Natural History

museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor:
"This
dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".
"Where did
you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and
the guide told me that the dinosaur is
two billion years old."

 

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

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Where do ghost trains stop? At devil crossings.

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Why is Chelsea Clinton growing up a confused child? Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.

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Why was the robber bionic? He was holding up a bank.

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A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house." The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'

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What do you call a sheepdog's tail that can tell tall stories ? A shaggy dogs tale !

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What was the name of Tom Sawyer's fish? Huckleberry Fin!

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Sammy: My parents are sending me to camp. Tammy: Why? Do you need a vacation? Sammy: No. They do!

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Did you hear about the dimwit who was so dumb he thought Gatorade was welfare for crocodiles?

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An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out. When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"

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How can you tell that you're getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!

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Why isn't there a Superpig? It's too hard for a pig to change clothes in a telephone booth.

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On a narrow mountain's road a man saw a police car driving uphill backwards. - Hi guys. Why are you driving backwards? - Because we are not sure that we will find the place to make u-turn on the top of the mountain. After one hour the same man saw the same police car driving downhill backwards again. - But guys, why are you driving backwards again? - We have found the place to make u-turn up there.

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What happened when the icicle landed on the sowmman's head? It knocked him cold.

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Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb? A: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

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Q. Where do tired linedancers go for Breakfast? A. Ihop

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Old man O'Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow O'Malley of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned." She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?" "Knowing Brian O'Malley as well as I did, I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."

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Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?

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Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth. So why did you come around then? Well, I saw this light at the window...!

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What does a Chihuahua play basketball with? A tennis ball!

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