advertisements

Accountant jokes

An accountant visited the Natural History

museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor:
"This
dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".
"Where did
you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and
the guide told me that the dinosaur is
two billion years old."

 

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Read more!

My sister's a really bad driver. What makes you say that? Every time she goes out in the car, Dad puts a glass panel in the floor so that she can see who she's run over.

Read more!

advertisements
advertisements

Motorist: Does a deer have a horn? Police Officer: No, a deer has two horns. Motorist: Then it must have been a car that ran over my uncle.

Read more!

Q: What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing on a street corner? A: 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, not for a zillion f*cks, 4 f*cks!

Read more!

Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

Read more!

Q: What do you get when you cross and Chinese and a Mexican man? A: A car thief who can't drive!

Read more!

Did you hear about the ghoul's favorite hotel? It had running rot and mould in every room.

Read more!

Knock Knock Who's there ! Cyril ! Cyril who ? Cyril thing - no imitations here !

Read more!

Q: What are the three types of men? A: The handsome, the caring, and the majority.

Read more!

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

Read more!

Mama Pig has a great, new kitchen appliance that lets her prepare meals ahead. It's called a garbage compactor.

Read more!

Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?" After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"

Read more!

Who was that on the phone, Fred? Fred: No one important. Just some man who said it was long distance from Australia, so I told him I knew that already and put the phone down !

Read more!

When doesn't a telephone work underwater? When it's wringing wet!

Read more!

Some vampires went to see Dracula. They said, "Drac, we want to open a zoo. Have you got any advice?" "Yes," replied Dracula, "have lots of giraffes."

Read more!

When do cannibals cook you? On Fried-days.

Read more!

Why did the owl, owl ? Because the woodpecker would peck 'er !

Read more!

Why didn't anyone take the school bus to school? I wouldn't fit through the door.

Read more!

Policeman: Are you going to a fire? Motorist: No, I'm trying to prevent one. That's what my boss said would happen if I were late again.

Read more!

Why do elephants live in the jungle? Because it's out of the high rent district.

Read more!