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Dentist jokes

Patient:Do you extract teeth
painlessly?
Dentis: "Not always, the other day I nearly dislocated my
wrist

 

Why did the dinosaur walk on two legs? To give the ants a chance.

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A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great,"the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.

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What would you call a nine day old dog in Russia? A puppy.

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It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?" The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."

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Why did the teacher have her hair in a bun? Because she had her nose in a hamburger.

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What does a bee get at McDonalds ? A humburger !

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Q: Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering? A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.

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If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have? One dollar. You don't know your arithmetic. You don't know my father !

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What did the judge say when the skunk was on trial? Odour in court!

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Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God When did this start? Well first I created the sun, then the earth...

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"Why are you so excited?", the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized. "But doc, this is my first operation." "Really? It's mine too, and I am not excited at all."

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What is the slowest racehorse in the world ? A clotheshorse !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Billy Bragg ! Billy Bragg who ? Billy Braggs too much, tell him to stop it !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Boiler ! Boiler who ? Boiler egg for four minutes !

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Elmore walked into his favorite truck stop cafe and said to the owner, "Hey, Roy, you wanna take a chance on a raffle?" "Whada ya win?" "A million dollars!" said the redneck. "You get a dollar a year for a million years." "How much are they each?" "Ten cents. Two for a quarter. Or three for half a dollar!"

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What do you call a pig thief? A hamburglar!

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Waiter: I'm sorry to keep you waiting. Your soup will be ready soon. Customer: What bait are you using?

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Doctor, Doctor you've taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don't feel well. That's quite enough out of you!

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Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO." St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admi tted to heaven ... for five days!" Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. From time to time the young nurse came in and said in a patronising tone, "And how are we doing this morning?" Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went. The nurse came in, picked up the urine bottle and said, "It seems we are a little cloudy today..." At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of her hand, drinked its contents, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, maybe I can filter it better this time."

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Q: Why do Polish names end in "ski" ? A: Because they can't spell tobbagan.

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