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Letter jokes

Are you writing a thank you letter to Grandma

like I told you to? Yes Mom. Your handwriting seems very large. Well,

Grandma's very deaf, so I'm writing very loudly.

 

What do you call a pickled aardvark? A jarredvark!

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What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg ? The bombshell !

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Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? The parrots eat em all (Paracetamol)

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Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics.

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Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? Because they have cotton balls.

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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wif e. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Beef ! Beef who ? Beef fair now !

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A woman was cutting her husband's thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack. She ofered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious qualities. "It has more vitamin C than an orange," she remarked. "And more hair than Dad," added their son.

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Why did the bee started talking poetry ? He was waxing lyrical !

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A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life. That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning. As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet. The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

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How many Dependent P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? None, he's still clinging to the old lightbulb.

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The church was conducting its annual fund drive. One member of the congregation said, "I give ten dollars." Just then, a piece of plaster fell from the ceiling and landed on his head. He spoke up again quickly. "I give a thousand dollars!" The minister said, "Lord, hit him again!"

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What do snowmen wear on their heads ? Ice caps !

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What do you call a witch with one leg? Eileen.

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A technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.

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Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger. First Blonde: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Second Blonde: Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!

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The Runaway Horse by Gay Topen

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A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

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Did you hear about the stupid turkey? It was looking forward to Christmas!

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What's a vampire's favorite dance? The Fang Tango.

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