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Dirty jokes

Harry approached a prostitute and asked, "How
much for a blow job
?".
"Hundred Bucks".
"OK", he said and
began to jerk off.
"What the hell are you doing that for?"
"For
hundred bucks you don't think I'm going to give you the easy
one, do
you ?"

 

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer." A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar." A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!" The boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."

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What do elephants say as a compliment ? You look elephantastic !

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A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

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Who said "Shiver me timbers!" on the ghost ship? The skeleton crew.

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You said this horse could jump as high as a ten foot fence and he can't jump at all. Well neither can a fence!

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Judge: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are on dead people.

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Knock Knock Who's there ? Cook ! Cook who ? Cuckoo yourself, I don't come here to be insulted !

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If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyer's.

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Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow? Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!

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Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions ? Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here !

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St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. "Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches." "I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

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Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

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Why did your brother give up his job in the biscuit factory? Because he went crackers.

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Why did the bald man go outside ? To get some fresh hair !

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I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her. It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!

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Q. What did Snow white say when her photos didn't come back from the photo store? A. "Some day my prints will come!"

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Judge: "Is it true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars?" Defendant: "Yes, it's true." Judge: "Then, why don't you just pay him back?" Defendant: "Because it wouldn't be true anymore."

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How many Borderline P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? Just one. To threaten suicide if you don't change it for him/her.

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How did the telephones get married ? In a double ring ceremony !

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What do you call a telephone call from one vicar to another ? A parson to parson call !

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