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Dirty jokes

Harry approached a prostitute and asked, "How
much for a blow job
?".
"Hundred Bucks".
"OK", he said and
began to jerk off.
"What the hell are you doing that for?"
"For
hundred bucks you don't think I'm going to give you the easy
one, do
you ?"

 

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house." The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'

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What do you call a sheepdog's tail that can tell tall stories ? A shaggy dogs tale !

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What was the name of Tom Sawyer's fish? Huckleberry Fin!

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Sammy: My parents are sending me to camp. Tammy: Why? Do you need a vacation? Sammy: No. They do!

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Did you hear about the dimwit who was so dumb he thought Gatorade was welfare for crocodiles?

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An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out. When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"

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How can you tell that you're getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!

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Why isn't there a Superpig? It's too hard for a pig to change clothes in a telephone booth.

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On a narrow mountain's road a man saw a police car driving uphill backwards. - Hi guys. Why are you driving backwards? - Because we are not sure that we will find the place to make u-turn on the top of the mountain. After one hour the same man saw the same police car driving downhill backwards again. - But guys, why are you driving backwards again? - We have found the place to make u-turn up there.

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What happened when the icicle landed on the sowmman's head? It knocked him cold.

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Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb? A: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

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Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth. So why did you come around then? Well, I saw this light at the window...!

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What does a Chihuahua play basketball with? A tennis ball!

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Why did the Gorilla enlist in the ragged continental army? To avoid the draft!

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Becca ! Becca who ? Becca the net !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Con ! Con who? Con unhinged !

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The Yuppie showered a Yuppette with gifts for over a month. He took her to fancy restaurants and expensive resorts. Finally, he proposed, "Bernie, if you will marry me, I have enough money to provide you with anything your little heart desires." "Sorry John." she replied. "I'm not ready to settle down yet. And besides, you can't buy my love, but if the price is right, I might see my way clear to rent you some."

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A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

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What's the difference between Frankenstein and boiled potatoes? You can't mash Frankenstein.

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Why couldn't the pig pay his bill? He was a little shoat.

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