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Doctor and nurse jokes

Doctor:
You seem to be in
excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as
clockwork.
Patient:
That's because you've got your hand on my watch!

 

A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see," said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man." As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."

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What surfs the Internet and goes, 'Choo, Choo'? Thomas the Search Engine.

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A little monster was learning to play the violin,' I'm good, aren't I?' he asked his big brother. 'You should be on the radio,' said his brother. 'You think I'm that good?' 'No, I think you're terrible, but if you were on the radio, I could switch you off !

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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

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Why did the little pig hide the soap? He heard the farmer yell, "Hogwash!"

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Two Rangers stopped a guy for speeding on the state highway in Waxahachie, Texas. As they were writing up the ticket, one Ranger turned to the other and said, "How do you spell Waxahachie?" The other one replied, "I don't know." So the first one said, "Well what are we gong to do? If we spell it wrong it will get dismissed." The second Ranger said, "Why don't we just let him go and stop him again when he gets to Waco?"

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If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, What's a tiger ? A stri-ped !

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Waiter, there is a bee in my alphabet soup ! Yes sir, and I'm sure there is an A, C and all the other letters too !

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Why do the elephants have short tails ? Because they can't remember long stories !

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What did the worm say to the other when he was late home ? Where in earth have you been !

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Judge: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are on dead people.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Cash ! Cash who ? Cash me if you can !

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FIRST MONSTER: I'm going to a party tonight. SECOND MONSTER: Oh, are you? FIRST MONSTER: Yes, I must go to the graveyard and dig out a few old friends.

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Jill: Have you read the Bible? Jack: No, I'm waiting for the film to come round.

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What do you get if you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot? A bite in shining armor.

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What is black and white and red all over? A Chihuahua in a tuxedo that tripped into a jar of salsa!

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Mummy! Mummy! Have you seen my Cabbage Patch Doll? Be quiet and finish your coleslaw!

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Boris ! Boris who ? Boris with more knock knock jokes !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Caesar ! Caesar who ? Caesar quickly before she gets away !

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What do you get if you cross a dog and a film studio ? Collie-wood !

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