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Doctor and nurse jokes

Doctor:
You seem to be in
excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as
clockwork.
Patient:
That's because you've got your hand on my watch!

 

Q: What do you say to a dog before he eats? - A: Bone appetite!

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I just spotted a Chihuahua! That wasn't very nice, you shouldn't draw on dogs!

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What disease do horses fear most? Hay Fever!

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Why did King Kong paint the bottoms of his feet brown? So that he could hide upside down in a jar of peanut butter.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Asa ! Asa who ! Asa-int amongst men !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Becca ! Becca who ? Becca the net !

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What do you know when you see three rabbits walking down the street wearing tuxedos and top hats? You know you need a psychiatrist!

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After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house. Explaining who he was he asks "What happened?" "Well," one of the officer's says, "It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground." The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief... "My agent came to my house?"

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Father: I hear you skipped school to play football Son: No I didn't, and I have the fish to prove it!

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Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!" "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

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Why did the vampire take up acting? It was in his blood.

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Waiter, my lunch is talking to me ! Well you did ask for a tongue sandwich !

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What is stronger an elephant or a snail ? A snail, because it carries it's house, an elephant just carries its trunk !

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Q: What do you call Italian women in a sauna? A: Gorillas In The Mist!

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What did the Eskimo children sing when their principal was leaving? Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.

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What equine likes to cut in line? A sawhorse!

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Mother: Fred, why did you put a slug in your grandma's bed? Fred: Because I couldn't find a snake.

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How do you fix a broken website? With stick e-tape.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Alma ! Alma who ? Alma-nack !

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Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor? A: About 10 pounds.

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