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Doctor and nurse jokes

Doctor:
You seem to be in
excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as
clockwork.
Patient:
That's because you've got your hand on my watch!

 

Why do elephants live in the jungle? Because it's out of the high rent district.

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Q: Why do Polish hate Cauchy's dog? (hint on Cauchy-Riemann theorem) A: Because it leaves residues at each Pole.

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How do you make a Gorilla float? Two scoops of ice cream, some club soda and a very tasty Gorilla!

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Sharon: I'm so homesick. Sheila: But this is your home! Sharon: I know and I'm sick of it.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Cosi ! Cosi who ? Cosi has to !

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The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge. "Was it my friend Sam", he demanded. "No !" his weeping wife replied. "Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked. "NO !!!" she said even more upset. "Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked. "Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

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Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.

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While practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s. As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place... Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?" Cobra: "I don't know Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."

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Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop? He called it "Ham Hocks".

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Lara Rabbit: Do you think that's Sophie's natural color? Zara Rabbit: Only her hare dresser knows for sure.

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Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet ? It lives on ice !

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Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God.

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A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

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How do frogs die ? They kermit suidide !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Alpaca ! Alpaca who ? Alpaca picnic lunch !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Blur ! Blur who ? Blur, it's cold and wet out here !

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At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

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The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

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What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese.

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Hello, police? Please send an officer over to 324 London Road right away! Sorry, this isn't the police station. It's the Delicatessen. Oh. Well, in that case, please send over a pastrami sandwich!

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