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Doctor and nurse jokes

Doctor:
You seem to be in
excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as
clockwork.
Patient:
That's because you've got your hand on my watch!

 

What is black and white and red all over? A Chihuahua in a tuxedo that tripped into a jar of salsa!

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What letter is like a vegetable? The letter P.

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Why did God create men first? Because we learn from mistakes.

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Did you hear about the Irish monster who went to night school to learn to read in the dark?

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Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of Pupil: Life imprisonment !

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What gas do snails prefer? Shell.

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How should you treat a baby goat? Like a kid.

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Boy: Do you have fever? Girl: No, why? Boy: Cause you look hot!!!!!

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Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone

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How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just have a nursing assistant do it. As much as the doctor orders.

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What's big and grey and lives in a lake in Scotland ? The Loch Ness Elephant !

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A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room." She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that. The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

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I use the internet to tell me what the weather's like. How do you do that? I carry my laptop outside and if it gets wet, I know it's raining!

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Carlene ! Carlene who ? Carlene against that wall ?

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A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

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Men are like soap operas. They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.

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What would you get if you crossed a monster with a Thanksgiving dessert? Bumpkin pie!

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What happened to Ray when he met the man-eating monster? He became an ex-Ray.

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Witch: Why have you stopped playing cards with my sister ? Wizard: Well would you play with someone who cheats all the time, is a poor loser and keeps tearing up the cards ? Witch: No I wouldn't. Wizard: No, well nor will she.

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1) Why did the nurse keep the bedpan in the refrigerator? Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much skin off.

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