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Doctor and nurse jokes

Doctor:
You seem to be in
excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as
clockwork.
Patient:
That's because you've got your hand on my watch!

 

Q: What's got four legs and no ears? A: Mike Tyson's dog.

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What weighs 4 tons and is bright red ? An elephant holding its breath !

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You said it was a great horse and it is. It took twenty other horses to beat him!

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Bea ! Bea who ? Beacause I'm worth it !

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What do you call pigs in a demolition derby? Crashing boars.

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A redneck calles up the White House and tells the receptionist: "I'd like to become the next President of the United States." The receptionist: "What are you, an idiot?" Redneck: "Why, is it required?"

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What do you call an easy-going rabbit? Hoppy-go-lucky.

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Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived. One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all. Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. "Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read???" Goldblum shuddered. God went on. "I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word is strong!" Goldblum sighed with relief. "Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?" Bauman hung his head in shame. "Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my peo ple, but I can accept these indiscretions." Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief. Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, "You, Rabinowitz, have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying.... "Closed for the Holiday !!!"

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How can you make a witch itch? Take away her "W."

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What does a bee say before it stings you ? This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you !

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QUESTION: What do you get from a bee that has an udder? ANSWER: Milk and honey.

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Q. What should you give a man who has everything? A. A woman to show him how to work it.

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What kind of monster can sit on the end of your finger? The bogeyman.

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What happened when the monster stole a bottle of perfume? He was convicted of fragrancy.

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Why did the boy become an astronaut? Because he was told he was no earthly good.

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What is a goal keepers favourite snack ? Beans on post !

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If a hungry shark is after you, what should you feed it? Jawbreakers!

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What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal ? That hit the spots !

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A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.

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Janet came home from school and asked her mother if the aerosol spray in the kitchen was hair lacquer. "No," said Mom. "It's glue." "I thought so," said Janet. "I wondered why I couldn't get my hat off today."

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