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Doctor and nurse jokes

Doctor:
You seem to be in
excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as
clockwork.
Patient:
That's because you've got your hand on my watch!

 

What's big and grey and lives in a lake in Scotland ? The Loch Ness Elephant !

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Mummy! Mummy! Have you seen my Cabbage Patch Doll? Be quiet and finish your coleslaw!

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What is the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car? They fasten their sheet (seat) belts.

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What's a bees favourite flower ? A bee-gonias !

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Doctor, doctor, I feel like I'm part of the Internet! Well, you do look a site

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Adeline ! Adeline who ? Adeline extra to the letter !

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1st man: "My neighbors were screaming and yelling at three o'clock this morning!" 2nd man: "Did they wake you?" 1st man: "Nah....I was up playing my bagpipes."

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"Now as I understand it, Sir," said the police officer to the motorist, "you were driving this vehicle when the accident occurred. Can you tell me what happened?" "I'm afraid not, officer," replied the motorist. "I had my eyes shut!"

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Teacher : Can't you retain anything in your head overnight ? Pupil : Of course, I've had this cold in my head for two days !

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What happens if you cross a parrot with a Gorilla? Nobody is sure, but if it opened its mouth to speak, you'd listen!

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What's black and white and turns cartwheels? A piebald horse pulling a cart!

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Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.

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What does a carpet salesman give his wife for Valentine's Day? Rugs and kisses!

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"Is your mother home?" the salesman asked a small boy sitting on the steps in front of a house. "Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home." The kid replied, "She is; but this isn't where I live.

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yo mommas so poor the roaches pay the light bill!

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One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."

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The head Counselor gathered all the campers together. To get their attention, the Counselor called out, 'Order! Order!' In a flash someone shouted out, 'Hamburger, coke and fries!'

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What do builders use to make websites? Com.crete.

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Who do you think was sent to cover the story of the baby lion born in the zoo? A cub reporter.

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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

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