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Doctor and nurse jokes

Doctor:
You seem to be in
excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as
clockwork.
Patient:
That's because you've got your hand on my watch!

 

Pupil: Sir, would you mind e-mailing my exam results to my parents? Teacher: But your parents don't have a comuter. Pupil: Exactly!

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Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street. "Oy, Abraham, I'm sorry to hear about that fire at your warehouse". "Ssh!" hisses the other, "It's not till next week".

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What does a frog say when it washes car windows? Rub it, rub it, rub it.

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Why does history keep repeating itself ? Because we weren't listening the first time !

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If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you, what have you usually done wrong? Made her chain too long.

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What is a mouse's favorite record ? 'Please cheese me' !

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A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further he's stopped by a police officer. Officer: "Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?". Man: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air". Officer: "Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test". Man: "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death". Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line". Man: "Can't do that either". Officer: "Why not?". Man: "Because I'm dead drunk".

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Q: When is a farmer like a magician? A: When he turns his cow to pasture.

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What European capital has the most ghosts? Boodapest!

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Why did the Gorilla visit Italy? An advertisement's headline enticed him - See Ape-les and die!

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A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. "Nothing," said the woman. Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?" "Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you." "Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift." "Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

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Q: How many Camera Assistants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five: One to do it and four to tell you how they did it on the last job.

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One goldfish to his tankmate: "If there's no God, who changes the water?"

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A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks, "What would you like?" the fish says holding his neck, "Water".

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Why do penguins eat fish? Because donuts get soggy before they can catch them.

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I've never been much on fashion, but got quite a few compliments on a new sports jacket I wore to work one day. My secretary asked me where I got it and I told her that it was a surprise from my wife. I went home early yesterday, and there it was, on the back of a kitchen chair.

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Which rabbit was in Western movies? Hopalong Cassidy.

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Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!

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What do history teachers make when they want to get together? Dates!

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What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common ? Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth !

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