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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM,

SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red
light.

 

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ? They both drop their needles !

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A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

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Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers licence ? A: She wasn't used to the front seat!

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Why did your sister jump out the window ? Because she wanted to try out her new spring suit

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Q: What do you call a credit union volunteer in a room full of bank directors? A: A superior being.

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When is it unlucky to see a black cat ? When your a mouse !

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Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter? A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.

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Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

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What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment ? A flat fish !

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A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?" And he replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"

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Teacher: You're new here aren't you, what's your name? Pupil: Fred Mickey Smith

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Teacher: Didn't you hear me call you? Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!

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Did you hear about the doctor who crossed a parrot with a vampire ? It bit his neck, sucked his blood, and said, 'Who's a pretty boy then ?'!

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Customer: I thought the meals here were supposed to be like mother used to make. Waiter: They are. She couldn't cook either.

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Why does frost not like to lay out in the sun? -It burns too easily

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A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know. Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this s hack?" St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."

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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

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Tower: What's your heigth and position? Pilot: Well, I'm 6 foot tall and I'm sitting front left.

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A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club. "You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

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Q: Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it? A: A blonde tried to shoot herself!

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