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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

The officer shouted
orders to a
nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran
directly onto
the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a
dispatch
case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to

safety.

"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a
medal. You
risked your life to save the locations of our secret
warehouses."

"Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said

whorehouses!"

 

What is the Easter Bunny's favourite state capital? Albunny, New York!

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Q: Why don't blondes like buttered toast? A: They can't figure out which side the butter goes on.

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What is the best thing to take when you're run over? The number of the car that hit you.

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What kind of thief steals meat? A hamburglar.

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What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal ? That hit the spots !

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A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.

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Janet came home from school and asked her mother if the aerosol spray in the kitchen was hair lacquer. "No," said Mom. "It's glue." "I thought so," said Janet. "I wondered why I couldn't get my hat off today."

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Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor 'what did you do on Earth?' The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, 'you may go in.' St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her 'you may go in.' St. Peter asked the third man, 'what did you do?' The man hung his head and replied, 'I ran a large HMO.' To which St. Peter replied, 'you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.'

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Q: How many circus performers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go! A: Four. One to change the bulb and three to sing, Ta da!

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Adder ! Adder who ? Adder you get in here ?

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Almond ! Almond who ? Almond the side of the law ! Kn

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Ammonia ! Ammonia who ? Ammonia a poor little sparrow !

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Doctor ! Doctor ! I think I'm going crazy. I have a carrot growing out of my ear. Amazing ! so you have. How could that have happened ? I can't understand it either, because I planted cabbage !

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An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!" Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!" The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD." The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't." The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

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Why is it tough to compete against a vampire? Because they're always out for blood!

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What did General Patton do on Thanksgiving? He gave tanks.

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Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup! Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!

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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

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Boss: "I can assure you that the value of the average employee will continue to increase." Employee: "That's because there will be fewer of us doing more work, right?" Boss: "Right. Except for the 'us' part."

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Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of the window? He wanted to see a butterfly.

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