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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

The officer shouted
orders to a
nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran
directly onto
the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a
dispatch
case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to

safety.

"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a
medal. You
risked your life to save the locations of our secret
warehouses."

"Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said

whorehouses!"

 

The school teacher was furious when Brad knocked him down with his new bicycle in the school yard. "Don't you know how to ride that yet?" he roared. "Oh yes!" shouted Brad over his shoulder. "It's the bell I can't work yet.

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I wonder what happened to that dumb blonde I went out with. I dyed my hair !

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Q: How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail? A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.

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Peek-a-Boo! by I. C. Hugh

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Young lady to father "Daddy, when I grow up shall I become a heart-doctor or a tooth-doctor " "Dentist" "Why father ?" "We have only one heart, but 32 teeth!"

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Q: Why do blondes always drink with straws? A: Practice.

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There was a huge fire at a big city soda factory. The city company was losing ground and the owner was frantic. He told the fire department that he needed a secret formula in the safe that was in the center of the blaze, and he would give 10,000 dollars to the department that got the formula. An hour later no ground was gained and a mutual aid call was put out. When 12 departments couldn't subdue the blaze the owner saw this he raised the reward to 100,000 dollars. Suddenly a small town department drove their truck right into the fire and emerged 10 minutes later with the formula. When asked what they would do with the money one said, "Get them damn brakes fixed we figure."

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Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

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What is a horses favourite kind of party? A stall ball.

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Q. What did dela wear?(Delaware) A. Her New Jersey

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Did you hear about the stupid water-polo player? His horse drowned . . .

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Why are mosquitoes annoying? Because they get under your skin.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Chloe ! Chloe who ? Chloe's Encounters of the Third Kind !

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How can you double your money? Look at it in a mirror.

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Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.

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If love is blind, why is Lingerie so popular?

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There once was an accountant who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an accountant make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." said the accountant. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in ." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven" "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the accountant in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the accountant found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow accountants that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The accountant was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was ti me to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven." So the accountant spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity." The accountant paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the accountant went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the accountant, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "That's because yesterday you were a recruit, but today you're staff." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An accountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer. There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview. They ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says "What is nine multiplied by four?" He thinks quickly and says "Thirty five." When the in terview is over he goes outside, takes out his calculator and finds the correct answer is not thirty five. He thinks "Well, I blew that" and goes home very disappointed. Next day he is rung up and told he has got the job. "Wonderful," he says, "but what about nine multiplied by four? My answer wasn't right" "We know, but of all the candidates you came the closest."

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"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. "If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. "If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. "That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"

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A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

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Why is an old car like a baby playing? Because it goes with a rattle.

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