advertisements

Food jokes

What sort of soup do
skeletons like?
One
with plenty of body in it.

 

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed. The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

Read more!

Knock Knock Who's there ! Cash ! Cash who ? Cash me if you can !

Read more!

advertisements
advertisements

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustere d up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

Read more!

Why are football grounds odd ? Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits !

Read more!

Yo Mama's so fat that while she's sits on the beach, the lifeguard comes up to her to say, "Excuse me mame, but the tide wants to come in."

Read more!

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A: They have big fingers.

Read more!

Did you hear about the aristocratic horse? He was the last of his race!

Read more!

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

Read more!

Why should you never invite a pig to join your tug-of-war team? Pigs want to be pulled through the mudhole.

Read more!

How could the dolphin afford to buy a house ? He prawned everything !

Read more!

CUSTOMER: How do you make a pig float? WAITER: Just give him an inner tube.

Read more!

Yo Mamas teeth are so yellow I can't believe it's not butter.

Read more!

Mad men are given a test to prove they are getting normal their teacher draws a door on the wall and orders them to go out. They tart fighting but one remains sitting and the teacher goes to him and asks why he didn't join others and he says "let them fight they forgot I have the keys"

Read more!

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building". The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

Read more!

How do you stop a monster digging up your garden? Take his spade away.

Read more!

Q: What's an accordion good for? A: Learning how to fold a map.

Read more!

Do pigs like Backgammon? No, they prefer their backs scratched.

Read more!

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money", he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "Hey, watch it - I'm a United States Congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

Read more!

What did the naughty rabbit leave for Easter? Deviled eggs!

Read more!

What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell? Addercadabra and abradacobra.

Read more!