advertisements

Waiter jokes

Waiter,
waiter, do you have frog's
legs?
Certainly, Sir!
Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!

 

What does FCPA stand for? Finally Caught Pinching the Assets

Read more!

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian customer agent stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro." "What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen. "Quattro means four," replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen says disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons." "You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent."Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a the law". The Englishmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come"."He's a busy with two guys in a Uno".

Read more!

advertisements
advertisements

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? A: When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

Read more!

Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking Do you drink a lot? Not really - I spill most of it!

Read more!

Only in America do we chain $2.00 ink pens to the counter but leave our $58,000 cars out in the driveway.

Read more!

Knock Knock Who's there ! Bolivia ! Boliva who ? Boliva me, I know what I'm talking about !

Read more!

Knock Knock Who's there ! Chair ! Chair who? Chair you go again, asking more questions !

Read more!

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.

Read more!

Why did the monster drink ten liters of antifreeze? So that he didn't have to buy a winter coat.

Read more!

Father: Son at your age, Winston Churchill used be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a.m.. Son: Dad, at your age, he had become the Prime Minister of England.

Read more!

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well ... are you religious or atheist?" "Religious." "Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist." "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God." "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God." "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

Read more!

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man' 'Well I'll be darned' the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper. The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. 'I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

Read more!

What kind of noise annoys an oyster ? A noisy noise annoys an oyster ! (Try saying that fast!)

Read more!

When is your mind like a rumpled bed? When it isn't made up yet.

Read more!

One day 2 blondes decided to drive to Disney Land. When they saw a sign that said 'Disney Land left' they turned around and went home.

Read more!

Who Saw Him Go? by Wendy Leeve

Read more!

What do you call a bloke with a bus on his head? Dead.

Read more!

What did the calf say to the silo? "Is my fodder in there?"

Read more!

What is a moo hoo for a cow that fell into the thresher? Ground round!

Read more!

A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members. A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made. She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."

Read more!