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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

A minister gave a talk to the

Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't
tell his wife
that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed
horseback
riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at
the shopping center and they
complimented her on the speech her
husband had made.

She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the
subject matter, as
he's only
tried it twice. The first time he
got so sore he could hardly walk, and
the
second time he fell
off."

 

A man wanted a new aardvark so he looked through the classified ads. He phoned a number he found and an elderly lady answered. "How much are your aardvarks?" he asked. "They're L6 each," came the reply. "Did you raise them yourself?" inquired the man. "Oh yes," she said, "Yesterday they were only L5 each."

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What do you call an ant who lives with your great uncle ? Your great-ant !

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There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Circus Clown Barbie ...complete with scary face paint and scary wig

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Dr Frankenstein: I've just invented something that everyone in the world will want! You know how you get a nasty ring around the bathtub every time you use it, and you have to clean the ring off? Igor: Yes, I hate it. Dr Frankenstein: Well, you need never have a bathtub ring again! I've invented the square tub . . .

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When a dirty kid has finished taking a bath, what is still dirty? The bathtub.

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A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the snow plow got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart..."

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What's a ghosts favourite Christmas entertainment ? A phantomime !

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Did you hear about the monster who lost all his hair in the war? He lost it in a hair raid.

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A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

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An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entiresermon on "The Ten Commandments." After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and told him "I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it." Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?" Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old hat!"

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A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?" "Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

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What time is it when an elephant sits on your car? Time to get a new car.

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What cloud is so lazy because it will not get up? -Fog

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yo mama so stupid she worked at an m&m factory and threw out all the W's.

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What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy? Hoppalong Cassidy.

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Q: What is the difference between a hog and a man? A: A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can f*** some pig.

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What is the difference between a dog and a mailbox? If you don't know you must lose a lot of mail.

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Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.

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Two guys are talking about fishing. One says to the other, "I am NEVER going to take my wife fishing with me, ever again!" "That bad, huh" "She did everything wrong! She did everything wrong! She talked too much, made the boat rock constantly, tried to stand up in the boat, baited the hook wrong, used the wrong lures and WORST of all she caught more fish than me!"

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What's the difference between a homeless and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.

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