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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

A minister gave a talk to the

Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't
tell his wife
that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed
horseback
riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at
the shopping center and they
complimented her on the speech her
husband had made.

She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the
subject matter, as
he's only
tried it twice. The first time he
got so sore he could hardly walk, and
the
second time he fell
off."

 

Why did the owl, owl ? Because the woodpecker would peck 'er !

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Why didn't anyone take the school bus to school? I wouldn't fit through the door.

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Policeman: Are you going to a fire? Motorist: No, I'm trying to prevent one. That's what my boss said would happen if I were late again.

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Why do elephants live in the jungle? Because it's out of the high rent district.

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Q: Why do Polish hate Cauchy's dog? (hint on Cauchy-Riemann theorem) A: Because it leaves residues at each Pole.

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How do you make a Gorilla float? Two scoops of ice cream, some club soda and a very tasty Gorilla!

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Sharon: I'm so homesick. Sheila: But this is your home! Sharon: I know and I'm sick of it.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Cosi ! Cosi who ? Cosi has to !

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The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge. "Was it my friend Sam", he demanded. "No !" his weeping wife replied. "Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked. "NO !!!" she said even more upset. "Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked. "Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

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Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.

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While practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s. As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place... Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?" Cobra: "I don't know Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."

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Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop? He called it "Ham Hocks".

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Lara Rabbit: Do you think that's Sophie's natural color? Zara Rabbit: Only her hare dresser knows for sure.

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Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet ? It lives on ice !

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A man wanted a new aardvark so he looked through the classified ads. He phoned a number he found and an elderly lady answered. "How much are your aardvarks?" he asked. "They're L6 each," came the reply. "Did you raise them yourself?" inquired the man. "Oh yes," she said, "Yesterday they were only L5 each."

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Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas? A1: They can't find the zipper. A2: They cant find the pull tab.

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Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess? A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.

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How do you make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eye

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Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God.

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A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

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