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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out
of Washington for New York. One
sat in the window seat, the other in
the middle seat. Just before
takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got
on and took the aisle seat next to the
Arabs. He kicked off his
shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in
when the Arab in the
window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a
coke."

"No
problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he
was gone,
the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the

Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good.

I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Israeli obligingly
went to fetch it, and while he is gone
the Arab other picked up the
other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli
returned with the coke, and
they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight
to New York.


As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoe
s
and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must
this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our
peoples..... this
hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and
peeing in
cokes?"

 

They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum

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Q: What do you call it when a cat bites? - A: Catnip!

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Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

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What did the judge say when a skunk entered the courtroom? Answer: Odor, Odor in the court!!!

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Catskills ! Catskills who ? Catskills mice !

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A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train. The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from." The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from." Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...

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A child at a Christian school was studying the early days of Mormonism in his class. He wrote on his paper, "The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is called polygamy. But we believe in having only one wife. This is called monotony"

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Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

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A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs. The Customs official says, "Have you got anything to declare?" He thinks a second and he says, "It's a nice-a day!"

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SOW: Would you like a nice cake with three candles for your party? PIGLET: I'd rather have three cakes and one candle.

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MUMMY VAMPIRE: Jimmy, hurry up and drink your soup before it clots.

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Patron: This bread is stale. Waiter: It wasn't last week.

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Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money. "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

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What did the bicycle call its dad? Pop-cycle

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What did the parrot say when he was using the Internet? P.Cs of eight, P.Cs of eight.

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Did you hear about the cannibal family who were caught spying by the witch-doctor? They were given a right roasting.

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'You boy !' called a policeman.' Can you help ? We're looking for a man with a huge red nose called Cotters......' 'Really ?' said the boy. 'What're his ears called ?'

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How did Bill and Hillary Clinton first meet? They were both dating the same girl in high school.

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While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform. On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine. Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Ari ! Ari who ? Ari-S-P-E-C-T !

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