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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

Why were ancient Egyptian
children confused?
Because their daddies were mummies.

 

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring.

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Clinton goes around telling people we humans are genetically 99.9% similar. Apparently the 0.1% is the character gene.

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Q: What do you say to a dog before he eats? - A: Bone appetite!

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I just spotted a Chihuahua! That wasn't very nice, you shouldn't draw on dogs!

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What disease do horses fear most? Hay Fever!

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Why did King Kong paint the bottoms of his feet brown? So that he could hide upside down in a jar of peanut butter.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Asa ! Asa who ! Asa-int amongst men !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Becca ! Becca who ? Becca the net !

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What do you know when you see three rabbits walking down the street wearing tuxedos and top hats? You know you need a psychiatrist!

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After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house. Explaining who he was he asks "What happened?" "Well," one of the officer's says, "It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground." The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief... "My agent came to my house?"

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Father: I hear you skipped school to play football Son: No I didn't, and I have the fish to prove it!

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Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!" "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

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Why did the vampire take up acting? It was in his blood.

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Waiter, my lunch is talking to me ! Well you did ask for a tongue sandwich !

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The Three Laws of Secure Computing 1) Don't buy a computer. 2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in. 3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.

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Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country. The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up. Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary. "Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?" The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand." She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the o dds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?" Again he went through his tables. "Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion." Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

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A man drinking at the bar for three hours, yells at the bartender for another drink. The bartender walks over and tells the man that he has already had too much to drink. The man looks up from his glass angrily and shouts. "I have been drinking for 36 years and I have no idea when I have had too much ...so how the hell do you know?"

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Why is President Carter important to Hamburger Land in April? One the opening day of the baseball season, he throws out the first meatball!

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Did you hear about the snobby cow? She thought she was a cutlet above the rest!

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What is stronger an elephant or a snail ? A snail, because it carries it's house, an elephant just carries its trunk !

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