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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

Why were ancient Egyptian
children confused?
Because their daddies were mummies.

 

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not? Pilot: Yes. Tower: Yes what?? Pilot: Yes, SIR!

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Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?

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"When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step." "If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."

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After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks, and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash," I snapped. Then, apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau." "Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"

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What hired killer never goes to jail? The exterminator.

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If a man was born in England, raised in America and died in Spain, what does that make him? Dead.

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Did you hear about the man with five keen senses? He still lacked common and horse!

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What happened at the cannibal's wedding party? They toasted the bride and groom.

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How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

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How do you get four old ladies to say the F word? Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!

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Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world? It has 4 rabbits' feet.

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Q: What did one math book say to the other? A: Man I got a lot of problems!

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Why was the student witch so bad at essays? Because she couldn't spell properly.

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Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport. "How come?," his nephew asked. "My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained. "Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."

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Cry Baby - by Liza Weeping

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A man wakes up early one morning and decides to go Bear hunting. He tells his wife, "You've got three choices; you can go Bear hunting with me, I'll do you anally or you can give me a blowjob. I'm gonna load up the truck and get the dog out. Make up your mind before I get back. "The man returns twenty minutes later and says, "Well what's it gonna be? "She say's, "There's no way I'm going Bear hunting and you're not doing my ass so I guess it's a blowjob. "A couple minutes later she starts choking and spitting and says, "Jesus, you taste like shit.""Oh yeah," he replies, "The dog didn't want to go Bear hunting' either."

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How is a woman like a condom? Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

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One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?" The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!" The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time." Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!" The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag. The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my f**king cookies!"

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Argo ! Argo who ? Argo down the shops ! Kn

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Bully ! Bully who ? Bully Jean is not my lover !

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