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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

Why were ancient Egyptian
children confused?
Because their daddies were mummies.

 

Did you hear about the cannibal who went vegetarian? He couldn't stop eating swedes.

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"What were you before you came to school, boys and girls?" asked the teacher, hoping that someone would say "babies." She was disappointed when all the children cried out, "Happy!"

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Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter? A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.

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Q: What is the difference between a hog and a man? A: A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can f*** some pig.

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How do Jewish people celebrate Christmas? They all gather around their cash registers and sing "What a Friend We Have In Jesus..."

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Canada, in view of recent events, will be changing the maple leaf on the flag to a marijuana plant. That way, the people of Quebec will have good reason to burn the flag.

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Q. What does CHAOS stand for? A.The Chiefs Have Arrived On Scene.

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Did you hear about the stupid Kamikaze pilot ? He flew 57 missions !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Alaska ! Alaska who ? Alaska my mummy !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Alligator ! Alligator who ? Alligator for her birthday was a card !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Anthony ! Anthony who ! Anthony you want !

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Q. What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common ? A. Nothing, yet.

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Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A: Sit in the back and don't play.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Bass ! Bass who ? Bass the salt and pepper please !

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There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."

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How do cats eat spaghetti ? The same as everyone else - they put it in their mouths!

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Who was the most powerful cat in China ? Chairman Miaow !

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"Doctor," said the patient, "I need help! I can't stop acting like a cat!" "How long have you had this problem?" the doctor asked. "Lest's see," said the patient, "Mom had the litter in '41

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What is the best way to send a letter to the Easter Bunny? By hare (air) mail.

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A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks. "That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied. A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him. "Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."

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