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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

YOUR SO BALD THAT WHEN YOU WHERE

A TURTLENECK YOU LOOK LIKE A ROLL ON DEODORANT.

 

Little boy to airline pilot: "You're a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting." Pilot: "Not if I do it right."

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Why do ducks have webbed feet ? To stamp out forest fires !

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The cannibal priest told his flock to close their eyes and say grace. "For whosoever we are about to eat, may the Lord make us truly thankful."

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Policeman: Why didn't you obey that stop sign? Driver: I don't believe everything I read.

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What kind of thief steals meat? A hamburglar.

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Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street? They were arch enemies.

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What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with an overstressed person? An Easter basket case!

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Q. What does CHAOS stand for? A.The Chiefs Have Arrived On Scene.

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Retired colonel, talking of the good old days: Have you ever hunted bear? His grandson's teacher: No, but I've been fishing in shorts.

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If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?

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A general calls a colonel: - Do you have a couple of smart majors? - Yes I do. - Send them to me. I need to move my furniture around.

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What is a mouse's favorite record ? 'Please cheese me' !

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What do you call a pickled aardvark? A jarredvark!

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What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg ? The bombshell !

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Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? The parrots eat em all (Paracetamol)

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Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics.

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Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? Because they have cotton balls.

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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wif e. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Beef ! Beef who ? Beef fair now !

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A woman was cutting her husband's thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack. She ofered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious qualities. "It has more vitamin C than an orange," she remarked. "And more hair than Dad," added their son.

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