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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

An accountant is having a hard

time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get
to
sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting
sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours

trying to find it."

 

Does killing time damage eternity?

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The World of Vegetables by Artie Choak

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Romantic Remembrance by Valentine Card

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What happens if an axe falls on your car? You have an ax-i-dent (accident).

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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

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A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

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What is the proper weight for a lawyer? About 3 pounds, .......not counting the urn!

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Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh Marie," she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary." "I don't believe it for one minute !" Marie snapped."You're just saying that to make me jealous !!!"

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Psychiatrist: Well, what's your problem? Patient: I prefer brown shoes to black shoes. Psychiatrist: There's nothing wrong with that. Lots of people prefer brown shoes to black shoes. I do myself. Patient: Really? How do your like yours - fried or boiled?

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Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs? A: By their names.

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An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

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How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group? Look for gray hares.

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One goldfish to his tankmate: "If there's no God, who changes the water?"

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What type of music do lightning bolts listen to? -Rock and Roll

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It can't go on! It can't go on! What can't go on? This baby's vest ? it's too small for me.

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Why did the owl, owl ? Because the woodpecker would peck 'er !

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One day there was a blonde riding a horse. The horse kept going faster and faster until the blonde fell off, with her foot getting stuck in the stirrup. Hearing her screams for help, finally a Wal-Mart clerk came over and turned off the merry-go-round.

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Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size? A: Silicone chips.

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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

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There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They put his left leg in.... Well, you know the rest.

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