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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

An accountant is having a hard

time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get
to
sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting
sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours

trying to find it."

 

Q: what's a biologists definition of a graph A: an animal with a long neck

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Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer? A: The joystick is wet.

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Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ? A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.

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What do cannibal say when they say grace? ''We thank you,Lord, for our daily dead!''

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Another friend of mine is a very successful businessman. He started with five thousand pounds - now he owes fifty-five million.

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The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff, "Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree?" "Course not," replied the Sheriff. "We just put the rope round your neck and kick the horse away. After that it's up to you."

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Cloyd went to a Charleston dentist complaining his gums had shriveled up and his teeth were falling out. After examining him, the dentist said, "Your mouth is really bad. Do you brush?" "Ah sure do!" replied Cloyd. "Everee single day!" "What do you brush with?" asked the dentist, "Preparation H," said the redneck.

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Patient: The trouble is, doctor, I keep pulling ugly faces. Doctor: Don't worry, I don't expect anyone will notice.

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Q: How many Italians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan.

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What did the city worker say after his first ever pony trek? I never knew anything stuffed with hay could be so hard!

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What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late ? Your spinning me a yarn here !

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A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

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A group of Texas A&M Aggies and a group of Harvard students had been deadlocked in a spelling bee for an entire week. At the end of the contest the score was tied and the judges had a dilemma. They told the contestants that each group was to quickly come up with a poem using the word 'Timbuktu.' Well the Aggiess started laughing the minute the word was uttered but Harvard just smiled and prepared their short rhyme. One Harvard student stood up and for his group recited 'Through the desert all night we ride on camels walking two by two, Destination Timbuktu.' Well the crowd politely applauded - they knew the Aggies couldnt beat that and the Aggies just continued laughing throughout the whole process. One Aggie stopped giggling long enough to stand and read the team's effort. He said, 'Tim and I, a hunting went, we came upon three women in a tent. Since they were three and we were two, I buk one and Timbuktu!'

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What is a ghost favorite fruit ? Boonanaa !

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There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Picasso Barbie ...everything's in the wrong place

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Policeman: What do you think you're doing parking your car there? Motorist: I thought it was good place. It says "Safety Zone."

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Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible Who said that?

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How do whales type e-mails? With their fish fingers.

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What cheese is made backwards? Edam.

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My teacher loves me - she puts kisses against all my sums.

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