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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

A lawyer with insomnia consulted
her doctor.
"Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked.
"The
side that pays your fee," replied the doctor.

 

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport. "How come?," his nephew asked. "My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained. "Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."

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First Witch: I went to the beauty parlor yesterday. I was there for three hours. Second Witch: Oh, what did you have done? First witch: Nothing, I was just going in for an estimate.

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Did you hear about the girl monster who wasn't pretty and wasn't ugly ? She was pretty ugly

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Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday. Harry: That was a kind thought. But why didn't you? Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.

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Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did? A: A dead girlfriend.

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Wife: "Why don't you ever callout my name when we're making love?" ! Husband: "Because I don't want to wake you."

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What dog rides a horse named Macaroni? Yankee poodle!

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What do you call an egg from outer space? An unidentified flying omelet!

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Q: What do little trees say on Halloween? A: Twig or treat.

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Delmer: How'd you like the play last night over at the high school? Parley: I only seed the first act, but not the second. Delmer: Why didn't you stay? Parley: I couldn't wait that long. It said on the program, 'Two Years Later.'

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How do you make rude noises on the Internet? With a whoop e-cushion.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Artichoke ! Artichoke who ! Artichoke when he swallowed his yo-yo !

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Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.

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A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" lawyer asked. "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go," minister replied.

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When the airline Captain announced they were flying over Salt Lake City, Utah, a woman told the man sitting beside her, "I understand this is the home of the Mormon religion where husbands believe it's OK to have more than one wife." That's true," he replied, "as a matter of fact I happen to be a Mormon myself and have nine wives." "How disgusting,"she said,"you should be ashamed of yourself, such practices should be against the law and you ought to be hung." With a slight grin, he just said, "Yes, mam I am."

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A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump. Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bet's a bet." Then the redhead said "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money." The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"

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First cannibal: We had burglars last night. Second cannibal: Did they taste good?

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Once there were two chinese gentlemen named Mr. Ho and Mr. Chen. They were neighbors but happened to be very competitive. One day Mr. Ho decided to start a shoe business, he named his store WE DO SHOE. now Mr. Chen decided he must compete with Mr. Ho, so he started a shoe business right next door to Mr. Ho's store and he named it SHOE DO WE.

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When do ghosts usually appear? Just before someone screams.

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He is so dumb, he thinks an agent is someone who keeps track of your age!

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