Funny jokes - 50 best jokes
A lawyer with insomnia consulted
her doctor.
"Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked.
"The
side that pays your fee," replied the doctor.
| The Three Laws of Secure Computing 1) Don't buy a computer. 2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in. 3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1. |
| John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so." "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know." The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?" |
| One day there was a blonde riding a horse. The horse kept going faster and faster until the blonde fell off, with her foot getting stuck in the stirrup. Hearing her screams for help, finally a Wal-Mart clerk came over and turned off the merry-go-round. |
| A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock. The blonde replied, ''What for? Are you going to set it on fire!'' |
| Q: Why don't blonde's like audio-books? A: There aren't any pictures. |
| How are UFO's related to hamburgers? Both are Unidentified Frying Objects! |
| A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines. "Don't know," the woman said. He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U- turn and drove up to them. "This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either." |
| Q: What kind of cats lay around the house? - A: Car-pets! |
| Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road? A: To meet the chick. |
| Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look out the window in the morning? A: So they have something to do in the afternoon. |
| Two mosquitoes were buzzing round when they saw a drunken man. One said to the other, "You bite him ? I'm driving." |
| Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again. |
| What do you call an unusual rabbit? A rare hare. |
| Why are rabbits like calculators? They both multiply a lot. |
| When do vampires bite you? On Wincedays. |
| A man works in the operations department of a large bank. Employees call him from the field when they have problems with their computers. One night a blonde woman from a branch bank called him and said, "I've got smoke coming from the back of my computer terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" |
| A blonde and her husband were driving home, when they hit a rabit. They both got out of the car and stood over the poor creature. The blonde and her husband just stood their, when she said "Oh i know." So she when in the car and rumaged through her purse and came out with what looked a bottle. She poured it on the rabit and they both got in the car. Suddenly the rabit got up hopped a little bit and waved, hopped a little and waved, hopped to the top of the hill and waved. Then dissapered over it. The husband just stared at his wife and said "Honey, what did you pour on that rabit?" His wife just said "Hair Restorer with a permanent wave." |
| Solving the Mystery by Ivor Clew |
| First cannibal: I can't find anything to eat! Second cannibal: But the jungle's full of people. First cannibal: Yes, but they're all very unsavory. |
| What would you have if your car's motor was in flames? A fire engine. |
