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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

A lawyer with insomnia consulted
her doctor.
"Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked.
"The
side that pays your fee," replied the doctor.

 

A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. "Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman. "Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice. "You're under 18," replies the barman.

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A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

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Doctor, Doctor, Father Christmas gives us oranges every Christmas. Now I think I'm turning into an orange! Have you tried playing squash?

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What has four legs and goes, "Oom! Oom!"? A cow walking backwards!

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Q: How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.

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What are ants called when they run away very fast to get married? Ant-elopers.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Cassie ! Cassie who ? Cassie the forest for the trees !

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Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage? A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.

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Why do pigs never recover from illness ? Because you have to kill them before you cure them !

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Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play "Cowboys and Indians." Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians win.

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Rabbit: I got kicked out of my cage for not paying the rent. My wife walked out and took our twenty-nine bunnies with her. I'm all out of carrots. What should I do? Friend: Don't worry; be hoppy!

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Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

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What's a snakes favourite flower ? Coily-flowers !

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Who went into a witche's den and came out alive ? The witch !

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How does an apple a day keep the doctor away? When you take careful aim.

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There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Fast Food Barbie ...also known as McBarbie...you want fries with that?

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School Meals by R. E. Volting

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What do you call someone who draws funny pictures of motor vehicles ? A car-toonist !

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'William, I've been told that you have been fighting with the boys next door,' said mum. 'yes, but they're twins, so I wanted some way to tell the apart.'

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Whats the difference between premenstrual tension and BSE? One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.

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