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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

A lawyer with insomnia consulted
her doctor.
"Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked.
"The
side that pays your fee," replied the doctor.

 

What do you call a Polish aardvark? A Polaark!

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One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses. At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

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Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner? A: Reservations.

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A blonde bought a brand new car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend. She reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening. But she didn't reach home in the evening and not the next day either. When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her what happened? She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "These car designers are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!"

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A cannibal chief was just about to stew his latest victim for dinner when the man protested, "You can't eat me ? I'm the manager!" "Well," said the cannibal, "soon you'll be a manager in chief."

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"Did you get your money?" ask the wife of the dentist who had just return from the delinquent patient's home. "Not a cent," growled the dentist, "and worse than that, he insulted me, and gnashed my teeth at me!"

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Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots? I never make rash promises!

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What do you call a bee who's had a spell put on him ? He's bee-witched !

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What buzzes, is black and yellow and goes along the bottom of the sea ? A bee in a submarine !

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How do you find white shirts on the Internet? Use a starch engine.

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Where do ghosts mail their letters? At the ghost office.

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Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage. They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home. The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

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A man comes home early from work and finds his wife and his best friend in bed. The man throws up his hands in disbelief and says, "My God Pete !!! I more-or-less 'have to', but YOU ???"

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If an elephant is the symbol of the Republican Party and a donkey is the symbol of the Democratic Party, what is a pig the symbol of? Any party where there's lots of food.

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Waiter, there is a frog in my soup ! Don't worry sir there isn't enough there to drown him !

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What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger? A big mac.

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Q: Which way did the programmer go? A: He went DATA way!

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If a cat won an Oscar, what would he get? An a-cat-emy award.

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What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD? Having your dentist tell you.

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What kind of dog is the most colorful? A paint Bernard!

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