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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

Why do women have
smaller
feet than men?

- It allows them to stand closer to the sink.

 

What's the hardest thing about learning to ride a bicycle? The road.

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Why is politics for the birds? Because politiciands always parrot the same old lines!

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Something happened to me yesterday that will never, ever, happen to me again. How can you be so sure? I was 10 years old yesterday.

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Another friend of mine is a very successful businessman. He started with five thousand pounds - now he owes fifty-five million.

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Dear Father Christmas, this Christmas could you please send me a yellow door. Yours, Sherlock Holmes Watson: So why do you want a yellow door Holmes? Lemon-entry my dear watson.

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Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God When did this start? Well first I created the sun, then the earth...

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"Why are you so excited?", the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized. "But doc, this is my first operation." "Really? It's mine too, and I am not excited at all."

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What is the slowest racehorse in the world ? A clotheshorse !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Billy Bragg ! Billy Bragg who ? Billy Braggs too much, tell him to stop it !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Boiler ! Boiler who ? Boiler egg for four minutes !

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Elmore walked into his favorite truck stop cafe and said to the owner, "Hey, Roy, you wanna take a chance on a raffle?" "Whada ya win?" "A million dollars!" said the redneck. "You get a dollar a year for a million years." "How much are they each?" "Ten cents. Two for a quarter. Or three for half a dollar!"

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What do you call a pig thief? A hamburglar!

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Waiter: I'm sorry to keep you waiting. Your soup will be ready soon. Customer: What bait are you using?

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Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road ? Because he didn't have enough guts

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Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed? A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

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Why did the stupid racing car driver make ten pit stops during the Grand Prix? He was asking for directions.

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Doctor, Doctor you've taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don't feel well. That's quite enough out of you!

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Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO." St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admi tted to heaven ... for five days!" Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. From time to time the young nurse came in and said in a patronising tone, "And how are we doing this morning?" Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went. The nurse came in, picked up the urine bottle and said, "It seems we are a little cloudy today..." At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of her hand, drinked its contents, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, maybe I can filter it better this time."

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Q: Why do Polish names end in "ski" ? A: Because they can't spell tobbagan.

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Why are sardines the stupidest fish in the sea ? Because they climb into tins, close the lid and leave teh key outside !

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