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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

Yo Momma is so
ugly that she
scares blind people!!!!

 

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins" "That's funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets" The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!

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A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?" He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

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There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Picasso Barbie ...everything's in the wrong place

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Why did the boy take the ruler to bed? He wanted to see how long he slept.

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When a blonde goes to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat ? Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row

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Definition of Divorce: The future tense of marriage.

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Why did the thoughtful father buy his six children a dachshund? He wanted a dog they could all pet at once.

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Why do elephants have trunks ? Because they would look silly carrying suitcases !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Bark ! Bark who ? Bark you car on the drive !

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A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd ever heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!" "Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"

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- Who likes music? - asks a commander. - Two soldiers step forward. - All right. I bought a piano. Take it to my apartment on the fourth floor.

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Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo right off? A: Saves time.

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Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide? A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.

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Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.

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What does an aardvark use when he has a cold? An ant-ihistamine!

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Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton and Nelson Mandela are in an airplane with 20 kids. The airplane gets a failure and is doomed to crash. The plane has only 20 parachutes. Nelson Mandela, as a great humanitarian says that children should have them. Bill Clinton gets panicky and shouts, "SCREW THE CHILDREN!!" Michael Jackson's face lights up and he shouts, "YES, YES!! But do we have enough time?"

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Did you hear about the witch who did a four year course in ugliness? She finished it in two.

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Dad bought Mum a bone-china tea set for her birthday. How lovely! Yes, but he only did it so as not to have to do the washing-up. Mum's too frightened he'll break it!

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Why do hamburgers act brilliantly on stage? They give meaty performances - especially if they are in their prime!

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What kind of car drives over water? Any kind of car, if it goes over a bridge.

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