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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

Yo Momma is so
ugly that she
scares blind people!!!!

 

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?" He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

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There are three kinds of accountants in the world. Those who can count and those who can't.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though. As he's drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I SPIT IN THIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom. When he comes back about 15 minutes later, there's another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".

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Q: What do cats like to eat on a hot day? - A: Mice cream

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Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone? A: He turned into Hillary!

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Q: How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two-one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in.

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Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A: They have big fingers.

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Did you hear about the aristocratic horse? He was the last of his race!

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Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

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Why should you never invite a pig to join your tug-of-war team? Pigs want to be pulled through the mudhole.

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How could the dolphin afford to buy a house ? He prawned everything !

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CUSTOMER: How do you make a pig float? WAITER: Just give him an inner tube.

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Yo Mamas teeth are so yellow I can't believe it's not butter.

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Q: Why did the rooster cross the road? A: To get to the chick across the street!

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How do you get a parrot to talk properly ? Send him to polytechnic !

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While I was waiting to see the dentist, a woman came out of his inner office smiling. Nodding to me, she said, "Thank goodness my work is completed. I'm so glad to have found a painless dentist and one who's so gentle and understanding too." When seated in the dentist chair, I related the incident to the doctor. He laughed and explained, "Oh, that was just my Mother."

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Doctor Doctor I feel like biscuits! What, you mean those square ones? Yes! The ones you put butter on? Yes! Oh, You're Crackers!

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What would you call a nine day old dog in Russia? A puppy.

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Mad men are given a test to prove they are getting normal their teacher draws a door on the wall and orders them to go out. They tart fighting but one remains sitting and the teacher goes to him and asks why he didn't join others and he says "let them fight they forgot I have the keys"

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The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building". The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

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