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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

Yo Momma is so
ugly that she
scares blind people!!!!

 

An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

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What would you call two banana skins ? A pair of slippers.

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Romantic Remembrance by Valentine Card

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Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions? A: When he married outside of his family.

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What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower !

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What did the dog do when the panhandler put the bite on him? Bit him, naturally.

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Q. What did Snow white say when her photos didn't come back from the photo store? A. "Some day my prints will come!"

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If doors have a website shouldn't windows have one too? We'd better, or it will be curtains for us.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Ali ! Ali who ? Ali-luyah, at last you've opened the door !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Ayatollah ! Ayatollah who ? Ayatollah you already !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Bert ! Bert who ? Bert the dinner !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Cathy ! Cathyl who ? Cathy free. Never had it. Never will !

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How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group? Look for gray hares.

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Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you? Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!

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Yo mama so fat she wears a vcr as a beeper.

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A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

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Doctor, doctor, I'm having difficulty sleeping. Doctor: Well maybe it's your bed. Oh, I'm all right at night, it's in the day I have problems.

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A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?". The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000." "That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure" replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!" Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast! The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror! WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You' re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"

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What's a moo hoo for a cow barn on a holiday? A merry dairy!

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Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have? A: Palm Sunday.

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