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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

"I was married 3 times" explained
the man to a newly discovered
drinking partner, "and I'll never
marry again. My first 2 wives died
of eating poison mushrooms and my
3rd wife died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame." said his
friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the
mushrooms!"

 

Did you hear about the girl monster who wasn't pretty and wasn't ugly ? She was pretty ugly

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Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN? A: Because she didn't know which one came first!

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Mother: Jared, get your little sister's hat out of that puddle. Jared: I can't mum, she's got it strapped too tight under her chin!

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Cannibal: Mom, mom, I've been eating a missionary and I feel sick ! Mom: Well, you know what they say - you can't keep a good man down !

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Why do elephants live in the jungle? Because it's out of the high rent district.

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Q: How is Christmas celebrated in a Jewish home? A: They put parking meters on the roof!

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Fred wrote in her homework book: Margarine is butter made from imitation cows.

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Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A. He didn't have the guts too

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What does a monster do when he loses his head? He calls a head hunter.

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MONSTER MOTHER: How many times have I told you not to eat with your fingers? Use the spade like everyone else.

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Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louder? A: You can't!

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A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.

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If athletes get athlete's foot, then what do astronauts get? Missile toe.

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Do you know how to catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut!

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How can you tell when a skunk is angry? It raises a stink!

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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

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What did the Gorilla do with the apple he was holding in his hands? He brought it to school and said, 'An Ape-lle for the teacher!'

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There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Werewolf Barbie ...normal doll, except under a full moon

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Where do the cleverest parrots live? In the brain tree forests!

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How does a pitcher walk a man in Burger Land baseball? He throws four meatballs!

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