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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

"I was married 3 times" explained
the man to a newly discovered
drinking partner, "and I'll never
marry again. My first 2 wives died
of eating poison mushrooms and my
3rd wife died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame." said his
friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the
mushrooms!"

 

What do you call a very rude bird ? A mockingbird !

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When the office photo-copies began to look faint, the office manager called in a local repair service. The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment, informed the manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning. The tech suggested that someone might try reading the operator's manual and perform the job themselves, since it would cost $100.00, if he did the work. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asks, "Does your boss know you are discouraging business?" "Actually, my boss demands we explain this to all our customers". "After people try first to fix things themselves, we end-up making much more money on repairs"

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Soderling, the star college halfback, was taking a math exam. The coach desperately needed him to play in the Syracuse game on Saturday, so the professor agreed to give him an oral exam. "All right," said the prof. "How many degrees are there in a circle?" "Uh, depends," said the boy. "How big is that there circle?"

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If a woman is born in Italy, grows up in England, goes to America and dies in Baltimore, what is she? Dead.

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Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

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Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep. That's baaaaaaaaaad!

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Why did the dog say he was an actor? His leg was in a cast.

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What equine likes to cut in line? A sawhorse!

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Duayne met Patricia Ann from Birmingham at a Tus-caloosa ballroom. They danced every dance together. When the evening was over, he asked if he could see her next time he was in town. "Yes," replied Patricia Ann shyly. The young man hurriedly took out his pad and pencil and asked, "What's your number?" "CApitol 4-6173." After a long embarrassed pause, Duayne asked, "How do yew make a capital 4?"

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What can a monster do that you can't do? Count up to 25 on his fingers.

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Where did the piglets study their ABC's? At a school for higher loining.

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"Dad, can you write in the dark?" "I think so. What is it you want me to write?" "Your name on this report card."

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"Waiter, waiter,there's a hand in my soup." "That's not your soup, sir, that's your finger bowl."

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CUSTOMER: Can you make a pig shake? WAITER: Tell him the wolf is coming.

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What does a witch do if her broom is stolen ? She calls the flying squad !

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What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!

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Read more Apple jokes

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After the first takeoff of the fully automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing, reassuring voice of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your automatic pilot. In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, ..."

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Why did your sister keep running around her bed ? Because she was trying to catch up with her sleep.

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Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did? A: A dead girlfriend.

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