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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

"I was married 3 times" explained
the man to a newly discovered
drinking partner, "and I'll never
marry again. My first 2 wives died
of eating poison mushrooms and my
3rd wife died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame." said his
friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the
mushrooms!"

 

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red ? So he could hide in the cherry tree !

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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

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Q: What thoughts do Blondes have after reading these jokes? A: None, as usual... and they most likely didn't understand them either.

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What's the definition of a cannibal? Some who goes into a restaurant and orders a waiter!

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Why did the farmer feed money to his cow? He wanted rich milk!

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Q: What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? A: Anything you want. He can't hear you.

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Doctor, Doctor you've taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don't feel well. That's quite enough out of you !

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What kind of modeling clay does a dog use? Fi-Do!

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All of the firefighters at my station are quick. They're even "fast" asleep!

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Did you hear about the Iranian terrorist who switched off the fans of his stolen helicopter because he couldn't stand the draft?

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How do you turn a Fox into a Pit Bull? Marry her !

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Men are like vacuum cleaners. They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.

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What should you do if a monster runs through your front door? Run through the back door.

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A man arrived at a seaside hotel where he had made a reservation rather late at night. All the lights were out, so he knocked on the door. After a long time a light appeared in an upstairs window and a woman called out, "Who are you? What do you want?" "I'm staying here!" "Stay there, then," she retorted, and slammed the window shut!

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There is a Shreveport cable TV channel that broadcasts the (live) video of the Shreveport radar and the audio of the NOAA weather radio station. When explaining why he knew he should go into meteorology, he said that when he was young, he would sometimes watch the channel even when there were no echoes, just for fun.

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Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.

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Doctor: Your system needs freshening up a bit. I suggest you take a cold bath every morning. Patient: Oh, but I do, doctor. Doctor: You do? Patient: Yes, every morning I take a nice cold bath and fill it with nice hot water!

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They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum

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What do you get if you cross a steer and a chicken? Roost beef!

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Q: Why don't women have men's brains? A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.

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