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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

"I was married 3 times" explained
the man to a newly discovered
drinking partner, "and I'll never
marry again. My first 2 wives died
of eating poison mushrooms and my
3rd wife died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame." said his
friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the
mushrooms!"

 

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

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Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck. Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.

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Grandma, is it exciting being 99? It certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.

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A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians he buries them. The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?" The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

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Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began. "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. "I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued. "The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him. "Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on. "That would be the usher," Charlie explained. "Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said. "You mean the aisle," Charlie said. "Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued. "Pew," Charlie retorted. "Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

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Patient: Hey, that tooth you pulled wasn't the one I wanted pulled. Dentist: Relax, I'm coming to it.

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Q: WHY DON`T BLONDES LIKE ANAL SEX? A: They don`t like their brains being screwed with.

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Why was the horseman fired from his job of saddle testing? He was always standing up on the job!

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Who runs the 100 acre wood website? www.innie the pooh.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Cynthia ! Cynthia who ? Cynthia you been away I missed you !

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Why don't women work as long and as hard as men in the office? They do it right first time.

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Why did the monster take a dead man for a drive in his car? Because he was a car-case.

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Fred: I met a really conceited actor the other day. Harry: Why do you say he's conceited? Fred: Well, every time there was a thunderclap during the storm, he went to the window and took a bow.

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Why are Vampires Democrats? They want Gore in 2000.

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What do you get when you cross a frog and a rabbit? A rabbit that says, "Ribbit."

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A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing?" he asks the drunk. "I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." "So how does feeling the roof help you?" He asked the drunk. "Well," the drunk replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!!"

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Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a penguin?" "About two and a half feet." "Thank God!" cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"

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How do you make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eye

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Horror Stories by R. U. Scared

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Q: What did the first stoplight say to the second stoplight? A: Don't look I'm changing!!

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