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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

"I was married 3 times" explained
the man to a newly discovered
drinking partner, "and I'll never
marry again. My first 2 wives died
of eating poison mushrooms and my
3rd wife died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame." said his
friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the
mushrooms!"

 

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 1st customer: "I'll have tea." 2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!" (Waiter exits, returns) Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"

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How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling ? She's got that down in the mouth look !

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Why does Father Christmas go down chimneys? Because they soot him!

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A survey was being taken on the University of Arizona campus. The survey taker asked a soccer player, "What do you think of bilingualism?" "Oh, I think it's okay," said the boy, "if it's between consenting adults."

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Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off. Oh dear, that's a lot of calories!

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Fireman rescued a man who was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn't much left.

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Why did the dog run in circles? He was a watchdog and needed winding.

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What's the difference between an elephant and a banana ? Have you ever tried to peel an elephant ?

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Q: How many Chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work.

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What did the fish do when his piano sounded odd? He called the piano tuna!

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Have you seen www.needleinahaystack.com? Yes, but it took ages to find.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Alec ! Alec who ? Alec-tricity. Isn't that a shock !

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What do you call a mammoth who conducts an orchestra? Tuskanini.

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Are you in the top half of your class ? No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possible !

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Why did the chicken walk on the telephone wire? She wanted to lay it on the line!

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One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

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What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? Branch manager.

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The Modern Police Force by Iris Tew

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Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge ? Because it turns "ice" into "mice" !

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Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice? A: He keeps having to eat his words.

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