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Letter jokes

What word grows smaller when you add two

letters to it?
Add "er" to short and it becomes shorter.

 

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different. A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!" "That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?" "I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!" "One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously. "Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist." "A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?" "Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."

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Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one.

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The teacher was giving her pupils a quiz on counting. Jackie got things started by counting from 1 to 10. "Now, Fred," said the teacher, "you take over, beginning with 11." "11, 14, 23, 42, 26," said Fred. "What kind of counting is that'?" asked the teacher "Who's counting'?" replied Fred. "I'm calling signals."

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Two aliens landed in the remote countryside and went walking from the flying saucer along a narrow lane. The first thing they saw was a red pillar box. `Take us to your leader,' said the first alien. `Don't waste time talking to him. Can't you see he's only a child?' said the second alien.

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Two Yanks touring London in a taxi. What is that asked one of the Yank's. Why that is Buckingham Palace answered the taxi driver. Well you should see the states we have much bigger houses over there, and that. That is the Post Office Tower. Oh our towers are much bigger. This went on for much of the day until they went past a another building. Our buildings are much bigger than that one too. I thought it might be said the taxi driver, That is the mental institute

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"Gosh, it's raining cats and dogs," said Fred looking out of the kitchen window. "I know," said his mother. "I've just stepped in a poodle!"

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How do you make a bandstand? Take away their chairs

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A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference: "Many say the only reason why you would be elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father." "That notion is ridiculous!" mocked George Jr. "It doesn't matter how powerful the man is. He can only vote once!"

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Do you know the time ? No, we haven't met yet !

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How do vampires keep their breath smelling nice? They use extractor fangs.

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Which flavor ice cream is Dracula's favorite? Vein-illa.

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Two hikers are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second hiker says, "What are you doing?" The first responds, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it." The second says, "Are you crazy? Don't you know you can't outrun a bear? The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you!"

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Are shellfish warm? No they're clammy!

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What will a monster eat in a restaurant? The waiter.

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What do you call a witch with one leg? Eileen.

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yo mama is so stupid when she asked me what kind of jeans am i wearing i said Guess and she said Levis.

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A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.

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Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile? A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.

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Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called? A: The whine cellar.

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Boy to Friend: I'm sorry, I won't be able to go out after school. I promised Dad that I would stay in and help him with my homework.

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