Letter jokes
What word grows smaller when you add two
letters to it?
Add "er" to short and it becomes shorter.
| Is there a mouse in the house ? No, but there's a moose on the loose ! |
| Polceman: "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night." Man: "What's the charge?" Polceman: "Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service. |
| How many men does it take to open a beer? - None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. |
| What makes an ideal present for a monster? Five pairs of gloves one for each hand. |
| What do you call an alien surfing the Internet? e-t. |
| Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo" |
| The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security. |
| One day, an out-of-work man knocks on the door of a home in an upper-class neighborhood. The lady of the house answers. "Pardon me Mam, Im out of work and looking for any odd jobs that people need done. I'm very handy with everything from repairs to yard work, to painting..." "Painting?" the woman jumped in. "Oh, yes, Ma'am! Im a very careful painter," the man replied, his face brightening at the realization she could provide him some work. "I'll tell you what. My husband just bought some green paint last week to paint the porch out back with, but we haven't had any time. If you can do a good job, then you can paint it before he gets home and surprise him. "Now, do a particularly good job and paint the trimmings white also, and I'll pay you an extra bonus." "Oh yes, Ma'am, I'll do an excellent job!" He was told the paints were also around back in the garage. nA few hours later, the man returns to the door. "That was quick, did you do a good job?" the woman inquires. "Oh yes Ma'am, two coats! But there's something you should know," the man says. "That's not a Porsche, thats a Mercedes!" |
| Son: Where are the Himalayas? Father: If you'd put things away, you'd know where to find them. |
| What do you call a pig that took a plane? Swine flu! |
| Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on. He said "It's Al Gore. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations." "Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?" He said "about ten gallons." |
| What did the vampire do to stop his son biting his nails ? He cut all his fingers off ! |
| Waiter, there is a fly in my bean soup ! Don't worry sir I'll fish him out and exchange it for a bean ! |
| Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money. "I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it." "I've spent my last buck," said the deer. "Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk. "Getting here cost me my last scent." |
| Did you hear what happened when there was an epidemic of laryngitis at school? The school nurse sent everyone to the croakroom. |
| What do you call a witch who climbs up walls? Ivy. |
| Yo mama so ugly The NHL banned her for life |
| young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?" Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?" The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a c onfession to make." And she says, "So have I, love." To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks." |
| How do you turn a Fox into a Pit Bull? Marry her ! |
| Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. |
