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Letter jokes

What word grows smaller when you add two

letters to it?
Add "er" to short and it becomes shorter.

 

What did the stamp say to the envelope? "I've become attached to you."

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A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're what?!?"

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A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.

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A patrol of allied soldiers were in a ruined city during World War Two. They are bragging and joshing about how many kills they have so far to keep up courage on their route through the rubbled buildings. Sergeant Joe thumps his chest and proclaims. "I got me 4 germans bagged so far. Howabout you John?" Before Pfc John can reply, a lone german soldier runs out of a trashed hotel. In the process of throwing down his rifle after seeing the larger allied soldier group, he shouts "NEIN!" Pfc John takes aim at the enemy and shoots him. "Well, he wont get himself a tenth allied soldier." Joe all year long!

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Why did the man put a clock under his desk? He wanted to work overtime.

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Tourist: The flies are awfully thick around here. Don't you ever shoo them? Native: No, we just let them go barefoot.

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What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head ? A tiger moth !

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Waiter, there is a fly in my soup! Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.

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Q: What are the three types of men? A: The handsome, the caring, and the majority.

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What do you call a pig who overacts? A ham ham.

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The President is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had. He goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing." The little girl says, "Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats." Bill declines and jogs onward. The next day Billy jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats." The girl says, "I'm sorry Mr. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republican now." Bill says, "They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?" She says, "Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open."

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What do you call a rabbit with no clothes on? A bare hare.

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Why did the witch keep turning people into Mickey Mouse? She was having Disney spells.

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A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet. "Are you hurt?" he asked. "Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

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Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional ammendment. A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra lightbulb.

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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

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What's a snakes favourite TV program ? Monty Python!

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Why does frost not like to lay out in the sun? -It burns too easily

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How does a male lightning bolt feel when he notices an attractive female lightning bolt? Thunderstruck

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Why did God create men first? Because we learn from mistakes.

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