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Letter jokes

Which two letters of the alphabet are

nothing?
MT (empty) .

 

1st man: "My neighbors were screaming and yelling at three o'clock this morning!" 2nd man: "Did they wake you?" 1st man: "Nah....I was up playing my bagpipes."

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"Now as I understand it, Sir," said the police officer to the motorist, "you were driving this vehicle when the accident occurred. Can you tell me what happened?" "I'm afraid not, officer," replied the motorist. "I had my eyes shut!"

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Teacher : Can't you retain anything in your head overnight ? Pupil : Of course, I've had this cold in my head for two days !

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Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.

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What does a carpet salesman give his wife for Valentine's Day? Rugs and kisses!

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"Is your mother home?" the salesman asked a small boy sitting on the steps in front of a house. "Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home." The kid replied, "She is; but this isn't where I live.

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yo mommas so poor the roaches pay the light bill!

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Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

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How do you lose fourteen stone of fat? Dump him.

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Q: How many Studio Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: We don't know. Light bulbs last longer than studio executives.

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Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape? A: The baritone.

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What do pigs drive? Pig-up trucks!

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What kind of bread do pig ladles make in the Yukon? Sow-r dough bread.

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What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was money in the kitty.

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What's a rabbits' favourite car? Any make, just as long it's a hutchback!

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What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell ? Addercadabra and abradacobra !

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Why are football grounds odd ? Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits !

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A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone." "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. "No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

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Yo mama teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!

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Yo Mama's so fat that while she's sits on the beach, the lifeguard comes up to her to say, "Excuse me mame, but the tide wants to come in."

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