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Letter jokes

Which two letters of the alphabet are

nothing?
MT (empty) .

 

What do you call pigs in a demolition derby? Crashing boars.

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A redneck calles up the White House and tells the receptionist: "I'd like to become the next President of the United States." The receptionist: "What are you, an idiot?" Redneck: "Why, is it required?"

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What do you call an easy-going rabbit? Hoppy-go-lucky.

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Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived. One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all. Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. "Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read???" Goldblum shuddered. God went on. "I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word is strong!" Goldblum sighed with relief. "Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?" Bauman hung his head in shame. "Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my peo ple, but I can accept these indiscretions." Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief. Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, "You, Rabinowitz, have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying.... "Closed for the Holiday !!!"

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How can you make a witch itch? Take away her "W."

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Q. What should you give a man who has everything? A. A woman to show him how to work it.

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What kind of monster can sit on the end of your finger? The bogeyman.

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What happened when the monster stole a bottle of perfume? He was convicted of fragrancy.

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Why did the boy become an astronaut? Because he was told he was no earthly good.

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What is a goal keepers favourite snack ? Beans on post !

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If a hungry shark is after you, what should you feed it? Jawbreakers!

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Doctor ! Doctor ! I think I'm going crazy. I have a carrot growing out of my ear. Amazing ! so you have. How could that have happened ? I can't understand it either, because I planted cabbage !

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An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!" Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!" The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD." The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't." The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

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Why is it tough to compete against a vampire? Because they're always out for blood!

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- How many Iraqis does it take to launch a Scud missile? - Two. One to launch it, one to watch CNN to find out where it landed.

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Q: How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one... but how do you get him in there with the cute, blonde?

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A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses." The woman answered "Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

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How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ? You wake up wet !

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Spell extra wise in two letters. YY (2 y's)

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A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. "Do you always carry such heavy luggage?" she sighed. "No more," the man said. "Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!"

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