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Letter jokes

Which two letters of the alphabet are

nothing?
MT (empty) .

 

Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

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Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape? A: The baritone.

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What was the name of the hog who was knighted by King Arthur? Sir Lunchalot.

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Why was the pig unhappy in the Minors? Because he wants to play in the Pig Leagues.

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On the airplane on his way back to Rome, the Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. After a while, he turned the the bishop sitting next to him and said, "What's a four -letter word ending in "unt" which means "woman"? The bishop said, "Did you try "aunt"? The Pope said, "Mmmm. Do you have an eraser?"

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A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?" And he replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"

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Teacher: You're new here aren't you, what's your name? Pupil: Fred Mickey Smith

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Teacher: Didn't you hear me call you? Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!

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Did you hear about the doctor who crossed a parrot with a vampire ? It bit his neck, sucked his blood, and said, 'Who's a pretty boy then ?'!

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Customer: I thought the meals here were supposed to be like mother used to make. Waiter: They are. She couldn't cook either.

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Why does frost not like to lay out in the sun? -It burns too easily

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If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you, what have you usually done wrong? Made her chain too long.

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What is a mouse's favorite record ? 'Please cheese me' !

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A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further he's stopped by a police officer. Officer: "Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?". Man: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air". Officer: "Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test". Man: "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death". Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line". Man: "Can't do that either". Officer: "Why not?". Man: "Because I'm dead drunk".

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A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. "Nothing," said the woman. Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?" "Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you." "Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift." "Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

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Q: How many Camera Assistants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five: One to do it and four to tell you how they did it on the last job.

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One goldfish to his tankmate: "If there's no God, who changes the water?"

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A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks, "What would you like?" the fish says holding his neck, "Water".

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I've never been much on fashion, but got quite a few compliments on a new sports jacket I wore to work one day. My secretary asked me where I got it and I told her that it was a surprise from my wife. I went home early yesterday, and there it was, on the back of a kitchen chair.

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Which rabbit was in Western movies? Hopalong Cassidy.

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