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Letter jokes

Which two letters of the alphabet are

nothing?
MT (empty) .

 

The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?" The husband looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!" The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating!"

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During the Mexican American War, an intense long standoff occurred along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea. He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled, "Hey, Juan!" A soldier jumped up and replied, "What?" The general shot him dead. This continued for three days. A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out, "Hey, John!" An American replied, "John isn't here. Is that you Juan?" The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah" . . .

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Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile? A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.

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Pig's explanation for the creation of the Universe: The Pig Bang Theory.

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Insurance agent to would-be client: "Don't let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonite. If you wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know.

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Can you spell a pretty girl with two letters? QT (cutey).

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How can you tell if a man is cheating on you? He has a bath more than once a month.

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What do pigs like with chow mein? Sooey sauce.

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Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds.

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I'm not going back to school ever again Why ever not? The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask questions!

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Laugh and the class laughs with you. But you get detention alone !

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A general calls a colonel: - Do you have a couple of smart majors? - Yes I do. - Send them to me. I need to move my furniture around.

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What is a mouse's favorite record ? 'Please cheese me' !

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A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life. That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning. As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet. The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

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How many Dependent P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? None, he's still clinging to the old lightbulb.

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The church was conducting its annual fund drive. One member of the congregation said, "I give ten dollars." Just then, a piece of plaster fell from the ceiling and landed on his head. He spoke up again quickly. "I give a thousand dollars!" The minister said, "Lord, hit him again!"

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What do snowmen wear on their heads ? Ice caps !

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What do you call a witch with one leg? Eileen.

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A little monster was learning to play the violin,' I'm good, aren't I?' he asked his big brother. 'You should be on the radio,' said his brother. 'You think I'm that good?' 'No, I think you're terrible, but if you were on the radio, I could switch you off !

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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

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