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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

What's the speed limit of
sex?
68; at 69 you have to turn around.

 

Why did the witch lose her way? Because her hat was pointing in the wrong direction.

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An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels. He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn't prove it. He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin. Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never find anything amiss. After a few months of this the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On a n impulse the auditor went up to him and said, "Look, I've left the company, I'm not interested in taking it any further and I won't shop you, but I just have to know. What were you taking?" And the bloke said "Tarpaulins."

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Tad answered the Tennessee State frat house phone. "Hi," said the voice, "this is Rollie. Come on over, we're having a real wildass party." "Shit, Ah'd shore love to," said Tad, "but Ah got me a bad case of gonorrhea." "Bring it along!" answered Rollie. "The way thangs is goin', mah buddies'll drink anythin'!"

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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? A: When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

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What is the hottest part of a man's face? His sideburns.

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Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta.

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Have you read the book, "100-mile Horse Trek" Who wrote it? Major Bumsore

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Teacher: That's the stupidest boy in the whole school. Mother: That's my son. Teacher: Oh! I'm so sorry. Mother: You're sorry?

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What do you call a grasshopper with no legs ? A grasshover !

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Q: What are the three types of men? A: The handsome, the caring, and the majority.

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What goes eek, eek, bang? A mouse in a minefield !

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A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

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How does a pig write home? With a pig pen.

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Police Chief: Why are you putting handcuffs on that building? Officer: I'm making a house arrest

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Paul says to Jesus, "Hey man, whatcha doing for Passover?" Jesus says, "Just hanging around."

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Knock knock. Who's there? Baby Owl. Baby Owl who? Baby Owl see you later, baby not.

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Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in hell does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'" The old man answers, "Is name of owner." The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right here," replies the old man. "You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?" "Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'Wh at your name?'" "I say Sem Ting."

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When the crooked hamburger took it on the 'lamb', where did it go? Oh, 'ewe' know!

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What do you give a train driver for Christmas ? Platform shoes !

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Q: What is 61 to a blonde? A: She wants 8 (ate) more.

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