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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

What's the speed limit of
sex?
68; at 69 you have to turn around.

 

A man is walking down the street when he hears a voice, "Pssst you come over here!" He looks round and can see no one but an old mangy greyhound. "yes over here!" Said the greyhound "Look at me I'm tied up here, I should be racing I won 14 races in my carrer you know?" The man thought to himself "Oh my god a talking dog, I have to have it, it will make me rich, tv appearances cabaret bookings" So he goes in search of the owner. He found the owner and said "I'd like to buy your dog, is he for sale??" The owner says "No mate you don't want that old moth eaten thing!" "But I do!" Insisted the man "I'lll give you 1000 pounds for him. "Ok said the owner but I think your making a big mistake!" Handing over the money the man said "Why do you think that?" The man replied "Because that dogs a bloody liar it's never won a race in it's life!"

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A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?" The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife." "What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter. "My wife."

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Two shoe salespeople were sent to Africa to open up new markets. Three days after arriving, one salesperson called the office and said, "I'm returning on the next flight. Can't sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot." At the same time the other salesperson sent an email to the factory, telling "The prospects are unlimited. Nobody wears shoes here!"

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Little boy to airline pilot: "You're a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting." Pilot: "Not if I do it right."

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Why do ducks have webbed feet ? To stamp out forest fires !

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The cannibal priest told his flock to close their eyes and say grace. "For whosoever we are about to eat, may the Lord make us truly thankful."

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Policeman: Why didn't you obey that stop sign? Driver: I don't believe everything I read.

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What kind of thief steals meat? A hamburglar.

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Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street? They were arch enemies.

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What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with an overstressed person? An Easter basket case!

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Q. What does CHAOS stand for? A.The Chiefs Have Arrived On Scene.

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Retired colonel, talking of the good old days: Have you ever hunted bear? His grandson's teacher: No, but I've been fishing in shorts.

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If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?

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A general calls a colonel: - Do you have a couple of smart majors? - Yes I do. - Send them to me. I need to move my furniture around.

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What is a mouse's favorite record ? 'Please cheese me' !

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An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

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What do you call a pickled aardvark? A jarredvark!

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What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg ? The bombshell !

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Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? The parrots eat em all (Paracetamol)

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Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics.

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