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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

What's the speed limit of
sex?
68; at 69 you have to turn around.

 

Webster's Dictionary definition of Windows 95 Windows95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

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Ever hear the expression "hard drinker" ? Never made much sense to me, drinking's one of the easiest things in the world to do.

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Did you hear about the witch who did a four year course in ugliness? She finished it in two.

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Will He Win ? by Betty Wont

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Why do cannibals make suitcases out of people's heads? Because they're headcases.

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Pardon me for a moment, please," said the dentist to the victim, "but before beginning this work I must have my drill." "Good heavens, man!" exclaimed the patient irritably. "Can't you pull a tooth without a rehearsal?"

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My wife rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

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A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger." Dentist: $100.00. Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work? Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

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What happened when the monster kissed his one true love? He left lip prints on the mirror!

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One behaviorist to another after lovemaking: "Darling, that was wonderful for you. How was it for me?"

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What's the difference between a dim monster and a birthday candle? The candle is a thousand times brighter!

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"Dad, can you write in the dark?" "I think so. What is it you want me to write?" "Your name on this report card."

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"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

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What are the most athletic rodents? Track and field mice.

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Yo mama so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio

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Did you hear about the cannibal who went vegetarian? He couldn't stop eating swedes.

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"What were you before you came to school, boys and girls?" asked the teacher, hoping that someone would say "babies." She was disappointed when all the children cried out, "Happy!"

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Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter? A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.

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Q: What is the difference between a hog and a man? A: A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can f*** some pig.

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How do Jewish people celebrate Christmas? They all gather around their cash registers and sing "What a Friend We Have In Jesus..."

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