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Sport jokes

Which England player keeps up the fuel supply
?
Paul gas coin !

 

Two men were having a drink together. One said, "I'd rather live with a vampire than with my wife." "Why's that?" asked the other. "Because she's always trying to bite my head off," he replied.

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What does Dracula say when you tell him a new fact? Well, fangcy that!

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Why do bears have fur coats ? Because they'd look stupid in anoraks !

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Waiter, there is a frog in my soup ! Don't worry sir there isn't enough there to drown him !

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yo mommas so poor the roaches pay the light bill!

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Why are football grounds odd ? Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits !

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A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone." "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. "No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

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Yo mama teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!

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Yo Mama's so fat that while she's sits on the beach, the lifeguard comes up to her to say, "Excuse me mame, but the tide wants to come in."

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During the month of June and July. Here in the panhandle it got pretty hot in this area. In Fact people were even overworking in the heat. So one day I was working outside in the heat and then i thought i better get inside. My Boss asked me where i was going and i told him i am going inside to cool down . He said that i better get back to work. I said i cant, he said how come.? Because it is so hot out here that i have to go inside to change my mind.

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A not so rich couple decided to stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprized to find they owe $3000. "How's this? We've only been here one night!" the man was annoyed. "So?", said the manager, "this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up." "But we didn't use any of these!" explained the couple. "If you didn't use - that's your problem," came the reply. "In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill," said the man. "What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your wife!" "If yo u didn't use - that's your problem!"

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An old lady was considering buying a squirrel fur coat. "But will it be all right in the rain?" she asked anxiously. "Oh certainly, ma'am," said the manager smoothly. "After all, you've never seen a squirrel with an umbrella have you?"

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It was so hot today I saw a robin picking earthworms out of the ground with a pair of tongs.

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YO momma so fat that they had to install speed bumps at all you can eat buffet

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This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, "Madam, I don't repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions." She says, "Why all the clocks in the window?" And he says, "And what should I have in my window?"

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What did one skunk say to another? And so do you!

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your momma so stupid she got locked in a groceiry store and starved.

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Yo moma is so old she knew the Great Wall of China when it was just ok

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A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river. Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat and throws him in the river. Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, "Do you think they'll serve any food on this cruise?" The second man says, "I don't think so. They didn't do it last year."

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Q: How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?

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